Class Objective: At the end of this 4 class course, you will be able to recognize the signs of a dangerous relationship, dangerous men, and also have a better understanding of how to reduce harm to your current and future relationships. Women spend years and thousands of dollars trying to heal from dangerous men. If they are lucky, they only encounter one in their life times. If they aren’t, there are many more… That’s because women haven’t really verbalized what they think constitutes a dangerous man. When I interviewed women most of them thought that the ONLY thing that made men dangerous, or not, was violence. If there was no violence, well then… he was probably ‘fixable’ in the long run.
(Click below to here one woman's journey out of her dangerous relationship)
For 20 years I have been the not-so-silent witness to women’s choices. As a therapist, I watched women whose childhood included abuse, grew up into adults who were abused. I watched adult women choose over and over again one version or another of a dangerous man. Often only the face changed but since there are 8 types of dangerous men, often women would move all over the continuum, dating men from all categories.
The end result was always the same:
Misery
Pain
Took a long time to heal, if ever
Often went on to do it all over again
Before we go any further, answer these questions:
Yes or No
1. __ I believe a dangerous man will eventually be violent.
2. __I believe that if I was hurt by one I would be able to spot him the next time and avoid him.
3. __I believe that dangerous men are notably gregarious, aggressive, narcissistic and abusive.
4. __I don’t believe that anything in my past has predisposed me to dating dangerous men.
If you answered ‘YES’ to the above, you are indeed at-risk of dating ‘a’ dangerous man or ‘more’ dangerous men, which ever the case may be for you.
(Although number 3 can often be ‘yes’ it is not only ‘yes’ and we will cover that in more detail later.)
The lack of a solid definition of what constitutes ‘dangerous’ for women is probably at the heart of what keeps us in these dangerous relationships. So let’s nail down what ‘is’ dangerous.
The word danger means ‘the state of being exposed to injury, pain, or loss.’
Synonyms for the word include:
Hazard
Jeopardy
Peril
Risk
Menace
Threat
Emergency
Notice the word doesn’t merely mean ‘when someone is violent towards you’ nor do the synonyms indicate this is strictly limited to violent behavior. Yet, women let lots of men and their behavior off the hook, simply because ‘well, he never hit me so I didn’t feel like I could say he was abusive.’
Year after year my practice filled up with women who would never ‘label’ or ‘define’ the men in their lives. When asked if he was dangerous, they would hem-haw around looking for loopholes to say he wasn’t dangerous, but not really knowing what ‘dangerous was’ or behaved like. Women are most at-risk for picking, marrying, or staying with dangerous men when they don’t have a concrete idea of what dangerous would be like. The words listed above give good clues to what dangerous would be like “injury, pain, loss, hazard, jeopardy, risk…”
So let’s define that for you: “A dangerous man is any who harms a woman,
Emotionally
Physically
Sexually
Financially
Spiritually
This definition immediately broadened the field experience of dangerousness. It added emotionally, financially and spiritually—three areas that women often let men off the hook from being labeled as ‘dangerous’ to a woman’s well-being.
But we already determined that the word danger means ‘the state of being exposed to injury, pain, or loss.’ Simply being ‘exposed’ to the possibility of being injured, experiencing pain or going thru loss IS dangerous to a woman’s mental health. Women often discount that just the exposure to the possibility really constitutes ‘danger.’ Later on in some of the E-courses (if you continue on with them) we will talk about why women discount that and just what the exposure really leads to.
But let me suffice it to say that any exposure to dangerousness has an effect of a woman’s:
Self-Esteem
Ability to disconnect and move on
Future relationships
Trust
Fear
Intimacy issues
Depression & anxiety
…just to name a few. Women who came into counseling were often women who had only ONE exposure to a dangerous man and yet the after-effect warranted psychological help in order to heal. Other women had multiple exposures to dangerous men, choosing one after the other not spotting the signs. They spent years in therapy.
Dangerous men are not just the psychopaths you see on the nightly news, although he could be him. But a dangerous man is just as likely to be the ‘nice man at church’, ‘the smooth boss at work’, or ‘the girlfriend’s athletic trophy-winning brother’. He is just as likely to be a social worker, cop, doctor, or mechanic. The fact is, he could be ANYBODY.
The only defense is self defense. And the only self defense is knowledge. This E-course will help you realize your potential need (or not) for future insight into the area of dangerousness. Perhaps it will illuminate areas that you need more knowledge about, more insight, or just information.
Our hope is that this information is used for a woman’s relational harm reduction and education for healthier relationships. Please pass this on to other women who need this life-saving information. Be the beacon to other women…
COMMENT: My brief experience with internet dating led to a man with a narcissist personality. What a wonderful tool for him! His profile welcomed almost any type of woman. And all these women answered the same questions he asked; thus, he knew what "every womam wants". I thankfully had enough self-esteem (but was vunerable enough to stay off and on in the relationship for 1 1/2 years) to let go. But, I want you to know, I am still "addicted" to him. I am using your tools and the "How to Spot A Dangerous Man" to be aware of my vunerabilites. I am ashamed to admit that it is so hard, but there again, being ashamed is not going to work. Wish me luck. And "Warning" to other ladies who may be the narcissist's next victim.
The information above is just a taste of what you will find in the book and is companion and support material to the media-attracting book ‘How to Spot a Dangerous Man Before You Get Involved’ You can order the e-book, our companion e-work book and our ‘How To Break Up With a Dangerous Man e-Book’ at www.howtospotadangerousman.com.
