Ok... I don’t know where to begin or how to say everything that has happen to me there is some things in here that I have never told anyone before, so I’m just going to write and see what comes out.
I was sexually abused by 15 guys at least and than I was physical abused and neglected and emotional abuse.
Ok here is my life story
I was born on august 24, 1982 In Independence MO. My mom and my dad was together until I was 1 yrs old than they want their own ways my mom got pregnant with my brother and his dad took off but she met my stepfather I remember when I was two she got married to him in a court house she was holding my little brother in her hands and I was standing next to her. This is when everything started. I have blocked a lot out so I’m telling you everything that I can remember.
When I was 2 my step dad started to give me a bath and he started to touch me down below than I don’t remember anything else tell I was five when my mom was cooking hot dogs I go in there to see what she was doing and I dumped a whole pan of hot water on me went to children mercy hospital and I stayed there for two weeks and I remember feeling safe but when a guy always came around I always thought they are suppose to touch you the way that my step dad did. That was the kind of attention I was so use to getting so I kind of wanting it and was expecting it. (This probably sounds bad like something is wrong with me). I got out of the hospital.
My mom sent me to go live with my aunt betty and I started kindergarten and at the age six I remember playing with myself all the time and when I was taking naps at school when the teacher was not watching I use to masturbate or what ever you would call it. (This looks really bad and is wrong I know). At the age 7 my mom came back to get me and my two brothers and we went to live with her and my step dad and he started to sexual abuse me and he started to hit my older brother all the time. I remember him use to make me and my little brother throw squeeze it bottles at my older brother while he stand in the corner naked than I remember when we just moved in to a 3 bedroom apartment we had no furniture yet so we was sitting on the floor eating and my step father came around put bugs in my older brother food and spit in it and made him eat it and he stood up to our step father and my mom got on to him for disrespecting our step dad and my brother try to tell her what was going on and she said no he will never do that.
One day I remember when I was 9 years old I got into trouble for something and my step dad pulled me into the bathroom put me up on the sink and pulled down his pants and pulled out his penis I remember that he had a rash on it and he put it in my mouth and told me to suck and I gave him oral sex and the white stuff came out and he had me swallowed it and I threw up and he said that is what happen when you don’t be good.
Then I had two babysitters that did things with me. Larry he started stuff in the pool by picking me up and he would put his finger in my swimming suit and start to fingering me and than the other babysitter asked my mom if I can come over because his grand daughter is coming over and so I went over there and he had us take off our clothes and made us touch each other on the boobs and in the vaginal area than he started to have sex with both of us. There was a lot more that happened between 7-9 but I don’t remember.
One day my older brother called the cops when I was 9 years old they came out and I was ready to tell everything but they sent me in the house with my step dad a lone and he promised me he was going to change and never hurt us again so I did not say anything but he lied to us and he kept hurting us. (so it was my fault I did not say anything) so I kept watching my brother keep getting his but kicked all the time.
My mom sent me and my two brothers down to live with my aunt when I was around 10 years old. When we got there my aunt said we was a mess and that I had nightmares all the time I wet the bed every night and when she realized what happened to us she told my mom if she does not leave him than she would keep us away from her. My mom left him.
When we was at my aunts house my older brother use to take me to the barn and he would start touching my boobs and putting his hands in my pants than he made me take my pants down and he started to put his penis in my butt and that hurt and one day my younger brother followed us and he was trying to make me and him to do something and my younger brother never wanted to, so we did not. (Through all of this I had no idea what I felt)
Our next door neighbor that I known since I was 5 years old his wife left him so he moved when he moved he had me come over and I would spend the nights he would start touching me everywhere and kissing me from my neck all the way down and when he was doing all this I just stayed still and let him and than he started to lick me down below and sucking than he would move back up to my boobs and suck on them (what ever I had because I was only 10) while he was doing this I laid there still did not move until he had me do the same thing on him and then he would have me get on top of him and while he puts his penis in me and started to moan and humping and it did feel good than after that was over he would take me into the shower and he would wash me all over and had me do the same thing to him. After that we would go to bed and he would have me sleep right next to him with no clothes on and than the next morning he would do the same thing.
One day on a school bus me and a friend that I knew since we was in kindergarten was sitting next to each other and we started to touch each other and I would give him a hand job on the bus and I thought it was normal.
We left my aunts when I was eleven and went back to live with my mom and than we got kicked out of our apartments so we moved in with a customer of hers and she had a 4 year old there that I had to watch all the time and take care of and there was this old guy there that never take showers so he stunk but he would start touching me everywhere and then he would have sex with me. Well when I was taking care of the 4 year old me and her would take baths together because her mom would make us because she wanted me to keep in eye on her and take care of her but when we were in this tub they would have this shower sprayer that hooked to the faucet and I would put it on where the water comes straight out and I put it up to my vagina and it felt good and then I would show the 4 year old how to do it I did not think that I was wrong I would never touch her myself I had the urge to but I did not (this sounds bad I know is what I always was around and I thought it was okay to do it).
Then there was this xix year old boy that started to touch me and it felt good and I was going to do the same thing but I was thinking what happened if his mom walks in so I did not do anything and I told his mom that is when I realized that I was about to do the same thing that my abuser did so from that point I told myself I was never going to hurt a child and I never have.
In July 1994 a month before I turned 12 my mom ran in to my uncle my dad’s brother than that is when I met my father and my mother gave me and my little brother to my father knowing that he had three children for every kind of abuse you can think of. I moved in with him and he started to touch me and having sex with me which he would make me watch dirty movies so that way I would be willing having sex because it would turn me on and it worked (sometimes I think there is something wrong with me because I had sex with my own father) my dad tried to get me pregnant I actually I wanted a child to love me so I can love it back. Than he got his prostate taken out and than I thought that I would stop him but it never did he got a machine to pump his penis up so he can still have sex with me and he use to make me give him a bath and a message and than my step mom use to choke me and hit me and cause me out and she always told me I was worth nothing and put me down and made me put my hand in scolding hot water when I did the dishes and if I did not keep my hands down in the water than I would be hit my father would make me choose if want to get hit or have sex with him he would ask me if I want Paula (Step mom) to go to bingo and I say yes he would say what would you do for me so I would say fine I would have sex.
When I was 12 years old my father took me to a doctor to get a physical done and they wanted my father in there and I did not want him in there and they had a pep smear done which they could tell everything but they looked at my dad kind of funny but the reason why I did not want him in their because I was expecting the doctor to do something to me and I wanted that attention because I was use to it.
Every night I would cry myself to sleep and I would pray that GOD would take my life I even tried by choking myself, suffocate myself and I would hit myself all the time when my dad would come into my bedroom I would pretend that I’m a sleep hopefully he would go away but instead he would climb in bed with me.
When I go to school I felt safe even though I had no friends but every time I looked at the clock I was so scared to go home when I get on the bus so I always wonder what would happen when I get home.
I was finally taken away at 14 years old put in to foster care and I went through foster homes and groups homes and end out of hospitals for trying to kill myself when I was in the residential facility I had a male therapist and would keep the door crack when I was in there because at first I would make passes because I thought is what all guys want.
But know I have three wonderful children and I’m in the police academy and I’m two classes away from getting my bachelor’s degree in criminal justice I should have it by June 13, 2011
Everything what I wrote in here was not everything I have gone through there is a lot more but it was the most of everything.
I hope people don’t judge me on what I what I wrote in this~