Lingering Effects:

Aerosmith has a song out called F.I.N.E ~ ~ Fucked up Insecure Neurotic Emotional. Somewhere in his life I truly believe that Steven Tyler was abused and being F.I.N.E is his lingering effects of the abuse. That's the horror of the abuse. It's not that it happens and it goes away. It lingers. Not into the actual abuse but rather the mind games that the one abused puts on themselves. For those of you reading this article and have been or are currently abused you know the mind games. For those that are reading this as a common interest piece let me give you a list of the words.

·        Screw Up

·        Failure

·        Fuck Up

·        Stupid

·        Worthless

·        Piece Of Shit

·        Nobody

·        Freak

That gentle readers are the lingering effects. There's nothing sexual or physical about it. It's all mental. And to make it even worst it's all fucking self inflicted. After a while the abuser isn't even the factor. You begin abusing yourself mentally. To the outside world you're functional and fine, But inside your F.I.N.E. Most people don't see it but those that know how to spot someone F.I.N.E Ohhh they can see it in a heartbeat and will just mentally fuck you over again and again and again. The worst part of the F.I.N.E is that is makes you stuck. It stops you from taking risks or bettering yourself. Just think about it. How the hell could anybody move onto something different be it education, relocation, living independently when all that is floating in your head are the words bulleted above? It controls your life and brings you down so deep that you barely can see the glimmer of light above you.

I learned through therapy that this F.I.N.E is also known as the psyche, the "stupid" part of you. The part that keeps reliving the abuse over and over again in hopes that at some point makes it right.  It's a vicious cycle and I know in my case I couldn't stop or even begin the process of stopping the "stupid" part of me until I sought professional help.  The stupid part is still very active I now call them doubters and bad thoughts but even under the assumed names I know it's the stupid part of me that has been holding me back for years and years and years.  

I guess I have rambled a bit too much and pretty much give you an introduction as to who I am. I am a 44 year old female born and raised in a big Eastern City and still live there. I am a victim of childhood sexual abuse as well as physical violence. Eventually I grew up as an adult and I went through life FINE. I've been working since I graduated high school in 1979 and I have to admit am earning a pretty decent salary that makes me somewhat financially secured. I mentor a child at risk little girl. I am active in community issues and projects. I have a handful of good friends and a few, albeit somewhat nerdy hobbies. That's the FINE part of me. The side most people see and view me as.

Then there is the F.I.N.E side of me. The one who is afraid to take chances that feels like she doesn't fit in with the rest of the world. The one who has panic attacks in the early morning hours. The one who acts out sexually at times on behavior driven beliefs. The one who is terrified of her future because of all the shit that happened in the past.

My main problem lies sexually. I don't do drugs and for the longest time I stopped drinking although ironically in a way ever since therapy I have started back to drinking beer again. I enjoy fucking not just any kind of fucking but pushing it to its furthest limits. Group Sex, Anal Sex, and Sex with BDSM undertones, Oral Sex, Gang Bangs, Public Sex, Masturbation, Bi-Sexuality..... Basically any kind of fucking that pushes the limits and gives a fix to that stupid part of me to see if maybe just this time I can get it right. I'm not trying to offend anybody by using the word fucking to me that's what it is plain and simple. It's not dating or making love. It's fucking nothing but that. I use the word not to offend but because deep down that what I see it as.

 The internet increased this sexual fix and pleasure. However, like most people in the big cyber world cybering, web camming and chat rooms I truly do find tiring. When in a pinch, I'll do phone sex but for me I need the real person to person act than what a web cam and words typed in an IM. The age of digital photography enhanced the real time rendezvous and before things kind of went kaploooeeeyy  with a Master of mine in December video taping the session was very much on the table and an option that I found enticing.

The internet for me was used to find people who actively enjoyed what I was looking for and for the past 12 or so years life was very good and very easy in finding thee people who could peak my sexual pleasure. Life was a party and all I could tell people was life was very very good. Fucking was available a keystroke away and for a while I really got swallowed up in it all wanting more and more pushing the envelope and the kink of the sex further and further. 

Then the bottom fell out. I guess with anybody who is swallowed into something be it booze, drugs even fucking eventually things hit a concrete wall and it did April of 2004. It was a Sunday night and it started as a phone call of a good friend in the lifestyles husband who told me she committed suicide. As much as the two of us knew each other we both embraced the lifestyle we were leading but in reality we both knew that my friend really had struggles in it while I was denying all the issues she struggled with. 

Her suicide pushed all that denial in a tailspin and bringing them onto the surface. It eventually leads to a total melt down that lead to me sitting on a big comfy couch in a therapist office.

The past was talked about for the first, the molestation and trying to make sense of it all. The more the past was talked about, the more the present was becoming questionable. Why the hell am I doing these things? For me like I always said for years on end or behavior driven, it leads to alot of conflicts within myself. Sometimes the me who is trying to make sense of it all wins the conflicts and makes wise decisions while other times it's the behavior driven me that makes the decision by saying fuck it all I'm doing what I'm accustomed to.

The truth is I love fucking!!!!! I like all sorts of fucking and the more the envelope is pushed entice me even more. My fucking and being a sexual person is never going to change. That's me. But the question remains what parts is behavior driven and what parts truly belong to me?  

For now the best way to determine this is by abstinence. Get to know me for a while and what really makes me tick. That doesn't mean the behavior driven part of me doesn't win out at times. It does come out and when it does it leaves me feeling stupid, worthless, ashamed and guilty but never wanting to go back. But the progress is I know a few things that are behavior driven and am beginning to learn slowly what it is that I truly enjoy and find pleasurable. I am finding ways to stop what is behavior driven they are small steps but they are steps in the right direction forward not totally backwards.

The F.I.N.E part that resulted from the sexual and physical abuse is still very much in existence but I'm able to make sense out of it most of the time and respond to it instead of it responding to me. It's never going to go away and no matter who keeps telling me it's going to get better. The only way it's going to get better is by me not by anyone else. Is it getting better? I will admit the F.I.N.E days are more spread apart between FINE days so I guess it is getting better. But nowhere near being where I want to be. Hell it took me 30 years to finally face the F.I.N.E part of me. I've only been searching for the FINE part of me for a year or so. I need to be patient.