Abuse / Survival Stories > Women's Worth


 

 

About a year ago I was at the laundromat washing my and my childrens clothes and I felt someone looking at me. It made me feel uncomfortable so I just continued minding my own business and started talking to one of my friends on my cell phone. When I hung up I heard someone say "That's a nice cell phone". I immediately turned around and it was this guy that was washing his clothes next to me. I just thanked him and smiled.

He then immediately started folding his clothes and I just thought it would be funny to ask him to fold mine and he said he was in a hurry but if I gave him my number he would call me. I found it easy to exchange phone numbers so I did. Two days later we met up again and he was the sweetest guy so we started talking everyday.

The weekend came and his "wife" called me. I apologized and I confronted him but he had a good way of making me believe that she was lying and that he wasn't with her. So, I believed him and I got hooked on him immediately. Three months later came by and we moved in together. In those three months he was everything to me and all I wanted was to be with him.

I know a lot of people are going to find this hard to understand but we ended up moving in with his family, his brother and his niece and the mother of his kids, and his kids. I dont know what I was thinking. All I know is that I couldn't live without him and he was my life. Everything started going down from there. He started treating me bad, he would scream at me, belittle me, insult me, and I just took everything from him. Living with "the mother of his kids" made it even worse. My insecurity as a women grew and I always had my doubts about him and her. It killed me to think that maybe he would get back with her, but I just did my best to please him. As the weeks went by, things got far worse than anyone can imagine. He started ignoring me, he wouldn't talk to me for days, he would just get home from work and go to bed, and I would just lay in bed crying because he was hurting me so much. I just wanted things to be the way they were. Not a day went by that I wouldn't cry and just hope that he would be the person who I met, but soon I came to realize that the person that I met wasn't him. The person that I knew now was the "real" him and that destroyed me. There were days that I would just want to die. I would miss work and just cry, thinking of why he was hurting me and why he took me to live with his family to then treat me like this.

Not much time went by when I found out he was doing crystal meth and that's why his behavior had changed so dramatically and why he wasn't eating or sleeping. I confronted him and told him that he was hurting himself and that he might lose his job. Of course he didn't take my advice and continued with his addiction. I wanted his attention so much that I was willing to do anything. I always made sure his food was ready when he got home and that he had his clothes clean for work.

One day he came to me and told me that he had a fantasy and his fantasy was for us to have a four-some. I really didn't want to, but I agreed just to please him and to get his attention. The night that we were going to go to have our four-some came and he did some crystal meth before we left and I begged him to let me try it. After much begging he let me do a line and after that night I can tell you that I was "hooked". I was at the point were I didn't have a self-esteem or self worth. I slept with another man just to make him happy but inside I was destroying myself. I hated myself and I was on my way to a downward spiral. I started doing crystal behind his back and I found myself so happy like never before. I felt that I didn't need of him anymore and this crystal meth was my new "love". I would be wired for hours and soon he found out that I was doing it and he would take the drug away from me. As soon as he did I would go out and buy some more. I was losing myself. I couldn't differentiate night from day. The hours would go by and all I thought of was that damn drug and of all the anger that I had. I completely lost myself in the world of crystal.

He didn't want to put up with my drug use any more so he kicked me out of the house. Things got so violent to the point were he slapped me, insulted me, kicked me, pushed me, and even tried to drag me out of the house. I had never felt so little in my life and I hated him for hurting me, but still I wouldn't leave and the abuse and drug use got worse. He continued his drug use also and we were constantly fighting and hitting each other. He would really hurt me, emotionally and physically. I was drained and I all I wanted was out. I hated everyone and everything.

I knew that if I didn't stop using, that I was going to lose everything, so I tried the first time and of course I failed. I started using again after two days and a week later we got physical with each other in the bedroom. He hit me in the face and started telling me I was a drug addict and he hit me and grabbed me and told me that I wasn't worth anything, that I was just a worthless piece of person. I started crying and I asked him why he treated me that way and he simply said that's the way he was and that he wasn't going to change. I pushed him and slapped him in the face and he started pulling me from the hair and told me that I had to leave his house. I told him that I wasn't going to leave and he told me he was going to throw my things out and that I was going to leave, like it or not. I begged and I cried and I promised him that I would change, but he just laughed and said that I was't going to change his mind. I got to my knees and begged him not to kick me out and that I would do whatever he wanted me to do. He just ignored me.

I then started to think of everything I had done for this "man". I helped him buy a car, I helped him financially, and was there for him through thick and thin. I never denied anything from him, be it good or bad. I left my 3 kids for him. I left my 3 kids with my mother so that I could go live with him and all this hurt, anger, pain and regret started coming to my mind. I was hurting so much that I was just numb from everything. I had to go on disability from work due to my drug use. The first 3 days I thought I wasn't going to make it. That in order not to feel the withdrawal symptoms, I wanted to go back to doing drugs but all I could think of was my kids.

He ended up not kicking me out of the house but we were in very bad terms. Days went by and I had never felt much better without drugs. But my jealousy towards the mother of his kids was still there and I wanted him to tell me the truth. He would always deny that there was anything going on with her. I didn't believe him. One day I told him why he would always take her out and not take me out, why he treated her better than me. I guess he finally got tired of lying and he admitted to me that he loved us both and that he enjoyed making love to both of us, and that he needed us both in his life. I was appalled, shocked, speechlees.

Now everything was making sense to me. That's why he would always take her out, to the market, or to go wash clothes. He always treated her as if she was his "wife", because she never stopped being his "wife". I felt so stupid and I immediately told him that I wanted out and that I was leaving him. I wanted to have no part in being in a relationship of that sort. He told me not to leave and that he loved me and that I was breaking up the "family". I couldn't believe what he was saying! That I was "breaking up" the family. Who did this guy think he was? OMG. Inside I started to laugh because I finally opened my eyes and realized that he wasn't worth it, that he didn't deserve me, and all that I had to go through to come to this comclusion.

Well I'm glad to say that I have been clean for 3 weeks, I know it's not a long time but I'm gonna make it. I decided that I'm leaving the house. I'm going to go back with my mom in 2 weeks and I have never been so sure about a decision like this one. There's no turning back. Im out and I've started packing my things. Nothing he has said or done has made me change my mind, and I am glad that I am leaving that house. That house where I went through so much pain, lies, hurt, deceit, frustration, addiction, hate, anger, and so many many tears that I shed for a man that wasn't and isn't worth it.

I came to find out that his wife knew this all along and that she accepted him being with both of us and she even told me that if he ever wanted to that she would accept another woman to come live with them again. I feel sorry for her because I see that she doesn't value herself as the woman she should. But I thank God that he opened my eyes. No man is worth the pain that I have been through. Live and learn.

Comment: I too am clean. I have 57 days in. I am finding that I have hurt so many relationships, including my children, that there is no point in going on. Your story gives me hope that things will change for me as well. My husband and I are in a homeless shelter because of our addictions. I went onto this web-site because I decided that it was time to look after myself instead of everyone else. Besides I have no one left except my husband. I have been sober for 26 years, however, I switched addictions because I never dealt with the underlaying issues. This time I am going to a residential program for women only. Please let me know how you are doing.
Posted by Lori from Calgary

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