Hello everyone, I was a drunk and a drug abuser for 26 years of my life. I always, as long as I can remember, wanted to feel different than the way I was feeling at the time so drugs and alcohol was my best friend.
I was blessed by Jesus by being a "decent looking" person, but I never liked that about myself. I always wished that I would have been born a boy or I would wish that I looked like some of the "not so pretty" girls. I was never quite comfortable in my own skin. I think that I never felt like my mother loved me like I wanted her too for some reason. I always felt like I was a disappointment to her. She and my real father divorced before I was born. I still to this day have no relationship with my father. I have never even met the man. My mom remarried when I was 7 years old and I think at that time I disconnected totally from my mom.
I did just "ok" in school. I never felt like it even mattered to my mother if I did good or bad in school just as long as I wasn't bothering her. As I said I started drinking and using drugs at an early age and it was then that I felt like I had some worth and value. When I was 14 years old (I think I was 14, I blocked that day out of my mind as much as possible) my step-father made an advance toward me by touching and rubbing my breast and that was about the worst thing that could have happened to my self-esteem during teenage years. I informed my mother of what happened and of course she blamed me so therefore I believed myself that somehow, someway, this was my fault. She stayed with him and it was never discussed any further. From that day on I felt so dirty and nasty that I began hating myself more and more.
Right after high school I got married to the first guy I met. I didn't have the courage to go to college. I didn't believe I was good enough or smart enough. That relationship lasted for 4 years. We had a daughter within that time and then it was over. I wanted to drink and use drugs more than I wanted to be a mother or a wife. I met another guy and moved in with him right away. That relationship became abusive in a very short time. He would beat me terribly and then tell me how sorry he was and did not want to loose me he loved me, he needed me, everything I wanted to hear so I stayed, and stayed and stayed for 10 years. This cycle continued.
We continued to do drugs together and we were both in and out of jails and prison. I had 3 children with him in between time and lost permanent custody of all of them almost as soon as I would give birth. Keeping my children wasn't a priority to me or to him. He was killed over a drug deal "gone bad" and I felt like my whole world fell through. I wanted to die too.
I was in and out of the hospital (psychiatric unit) a few times. I did not even know how to live without him. I got an apartment with another guy I knew not long after he died and became dependant upon him to make me feel good about myself. That didn't work either. He became abusive in a short time also. I did get rid of him immediately. I know somewhere inside of me I knew I did not have to accept that from no one any more. I took a little time for myself but continued to drink and drug and was miserable inside, still wanting to just die. I met a really awesome friend who I started hanging out with and eventually moved in with and little by little started turning my life around. I was still using drugs but I had quit drinking. I ended up pregnant by him and we now have a 2 year old son together. We do have plans to get married just not right now. I entered into a drug and alcohol treatment center because I new I would loose him and my son if I didn't do something, but the main reason was that I finally began to have a desire to live.
I have had many drug overdoses where I should have very well been dead and have escaped various other near death experiences, so I knew that for some reason I was put on this earth and I would become willing to do whatever it took to get sober. My last drug use was on June 3, 2005 and I am currently enrolled in a distance learning program where I am earning an Associates Degree in Arts in Business and then would like to further my education in the Social Work field. I am so grateful to be alive today. I am so glad that my God gave me so many chances to turn my life around. Everyday isn't easy and I am still trying to get a job (it's kinda hard with a felony record), but I am staying focused on my recovery and healing from all my past hurts and abuse. I am filled with hope. Even on my worst days I can find the positive. I have read some really awesome self-help books (You Can Heal Your Life) is my favorite. I am learning to be a good mother. I am learning to love myself by changing my thought process and by forgiving myself for my past and allowing time to heal every area of my life. I want to live.
I want to tell anyone who feels that there is no way to escape the abyss of drugs, alcohol, and other negative issues that “You Can Do It...I promise!” I thought there was no hope for me. I was wrong. All I had to do is become willing to open my mind to change!! I love you all. My heart and soul goes out to anyone who is feeling pain or who is overwhelmed with fear.
Comment: I was really moved by Michelle's story. For three years now, I really felt hopeless, unloved and all alone. I thought my life had no reason to go on but then after I read this, it completely changed my mind. I can't imagine myself being beaten and used. I was born a weakling and so if I did experience that same thing she did, I would have been dead long ago. It made me realize that despite everything that happened to me, despite all the diseases that struck my frail body and despite all the hurts and pain that I went through in life, there is still hope..somewhere, somehow, there's hope..and I'm gonna hold on to that hope til the very end..because as Michelle stated, there's a reason for living.. Thank you so much Michelle for sharing your story!
Rachelle
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