Abuse / Survival Stories > Can't Trust!

Can't Trust Even Someone You'd Known for Years!

Can't Trust!
Can't Trust!

Can't Trust!-I am submitting this for a friend. I met her 18 months ago and she's so traumatized over this whole thing she said she just doesn't care anymore. She's divorced and a single mom and no longer wants anything to do with men - period. Yeah she's in counseling, that's where I met her - (I almost didn't believe this story when I met her but she has the back up.)

This loser probably has many other victims and is destroying lives. He has two young kids and a wife who are being destroyed as well. This victim wasn't random like many internet predator abusers have - she was TARGETED! - by someone she'd had known for over 26 years. The jerk is named Jeff. They were intimate briefly in undergrad school & we'll tell you about THAT too. He left to go to another school and in April 2002, he emailed this victim "out of the blue." Seems he got her email address from Classmates.com where Jeff has contacted other old friends, too. (He has since removed himself from that site it seems.) He was unemployed at the time (formerly the publisher of a children's magazine) so had the time to IM her every day. They caught up and Jeff quickly initiated an emotional affair. He found out that she has a child, is disabled and divorcing due to verbal and emotional abuse. (He smelled a good target!)

He was extremely sympathetic about other abusive relationships she had been trapped in and this new internet “love” couldn't have been nicer. From the IM transcripts I saw as soon as he got her comfortable with this emotional cyber affair and her defenses down ("but you know me! I wouldn't hurt you!!" ha ha ha), the love bombing began. In college in the 70s he never asked for her phone number, NEVER took her on a date EVER. They would run into each other at the dining halls sometimes or in a class. They would hang out. She ended up hanging out in his room that night in October mid 1970s when they first were intimate. When questioned he told her in 2002 he was very "pulled back" about his emotions and trying to "be macho" in college and had a "hard time expressing his real feelings for her." (gag me) She said she knew she was a mercy fuck. And now here he was online telling her he never forgot her. Her marriage to an abuser is almost over, she's disabled and alone and he's lathering her up telling her she was the one that got away. Incredible.

She kept questioning his sincerity too but he seemed to be able to dispel every doubt. She said didn't know Jeff was transferring out and leaving the college until he was gone. She didn't know what school he had gone to even though she could have easily found out. He never wrote to her or tried to keep in touch. He told her nothing. He did admit to his roommate (who was dating her now) he'd been with her sexually just before he left. And the roommate beat her when he found out. (In the 70s girls didn't report this sort of stuff, remember.) That's the reason for this past story - to tell you the NATURE of the relationship and that she took abuse for Jeff in college.

Now fast forward up to 2002 when he's IMing her and gaining her trust because she & he KNOW each other and he would "never hurt her." Seems this man likes cybersex and initiated it rapidly. She told him to slow down, she wanted lunch or coffee with him, a face to face, in order to catch up. “You’re moving too fast,” she even told him. Jeff began pushing to meet her at a hotel right away but she told him no. So he refuses to see her, even tho she was 10 minutes from his office (when he found work again), he kept telling her he "couldn't control himself" around her. The “no lunch” but “meet me in a hotel,” was confusing, especially since he had convinced her they were “falling in love” again.

Jeff told her he couldn’t see her socially because, "I’ll have to make some hard decisions about my marriage even if we just see each other as friends.” She asked to meet his family but NO - he refused. She told him she was not comfortable getting involved with someone who was married with children, even though they knew each other.

Numerous times she asked him to please change this relationship as she wanted to meet his family - figuring that would cool him off & make things more "normal." After these reality shots, he would distance himself from her for a few weeks (like in college?) and come back with a vengeance.

Jeff used a lot of "confusing talk" with her and then played dumb. He would twist things, making it seem like she was acting overbearing and aggressive when he had initiated, started and encouraged her interest!! Typical predator!! He elicited sympathy from her by saying that ADHD was his "problem." He used that to explain his past & current odd behaviors. He has told her he is on Wellbutrin, and called them his "happy pills." This new cyber love-interest also bragged that he had a friend whose mom worked at Pfizer so he could get his Vitamin V (Viagra). This he needed, 'you understand', because his wife was so cold and unfeeling towards him. He shared these things with her not as "sob stories" mind you, but as one old friend telling another the truth about how their life had turned out.

As much as she cared for him, she continued to attempt to help & talk to him about being more honest with his wife and to work on his marriage. In September 2002 her estranged husband hacked some files on her computer regarding this emotional affair. The abuse from her ex escalated badly! Being the sort of person I know her to be she defended him. (OK so now she's being abused AGAIN because of him and he is running away letting her take it.) Sharing her predicament with Jeff, his response was to distance himself for weeks!!! When he contacted her again, it was as if the emotional stuff between them NEVER happened. When she did bring it up, she got MORALITY lectures as if she was the one who began this “affair” and NO STRAIGHT ANSWERS. As many abused women do, we rationalize this sort of emotional manipulation. She remembered him as a very sweet, quirky person in college. Yes, it was easy to be grateful for the attention and friendship and rationalize away his inconsistencies.

They continued talking for many months as friends yet he still refused to she her, meet her family or let her meet his or in any way reframe their friendship into something NORMAL!! And he kept toying with her emotions. Jeff finally admitted he was addicted to online-porn, roll-playing and masturbating. He masturbated to her live on webcam once (NOT at her request) and sent her pictures of his penis and a number of pornographic images. He started requesting she do things for him on webcam all the while telling her it was "the only safe way [they] could be together." She was very hesitant, confused and unable to identify the game because of all the emotional brainwashing he'd done prior. Again, typical abuser - he picked an abused woman knowing how he could easily gain her trust due to their prior relationship and twist her mind. He would then apologize profusely for even asking. And then beg.

She said in therapy that if she hadn't known him for so long - she would have drop kicked him, but by then he'd bent her common sense into an emotional pretzel. He would justify the occassional cybersex or his love talk as being OK and then the next day or even an hour later act like he didn't remember what had happened. Neither my friend (the victim) or I are doctors but we have discussed he is probably not just ADHD but BI-POLAR as well and as it seems he went into dissociative states over sex and other things -- he totally changed into someone/something else, even his voice would change. He'd trivialize things. Many times he told her he was 'sick' and 'needed help' but when she offered to help (she's a helper-type person) he placated her and did nothing. Astonishingly, Jeff even told her, "I look at every woman like they are just a hole." Do these guys even remember who they are talking to? Do we? Obviously, we realize now, he's a sex addict, among other things.

The things he wanted to do became rougher and cruder and she continued to say “No” to him wondering where he was getting these ideas from (read on - you will find out!). Even though she'd had had a prior relationship with him, this was ALL waaaay out of character for her. She even stopped speaking to him for weeks at a time because she knew he'd lost interest and she was so uncomfortable. But she was vulnerable and flattered by his interest so she kept forgiving and going back, telling herself, “After all, we are good friends.” She was still being abused by her estranged husband too. She slept on the floor of her kids room for 2 years because of this.

She wanted desperately to see Jeff, she said she thought if he saw how much she had changed things would calm down and eventually gave him an ultimatum. 'Lunch or we stop chatting.' She gave him an out to stop. He ended up scheduling lunch--just once, in Manhattan in Sept. 2003. It didn’t go well. Jeff was stand-offish and didn’t look her in the eye. The conversation revolved around pleasantries with ZERO acknowledgement of what had passed between them.. He positioned them at a table where he could sit FAR away from her. Besides the remoteness and stinging reserve, the most disturbing thing he did was upon leaving. There was a short flight of stairs to negotiate. She gingerly walked by the wall so she could steady myself. She has Atypical M.S. now and her legs aren't always reliable. Rather than stepping in and helping, like most normal people do, he stood at the bottom of the stairs and backed away like she was a monster. She said she cried in the car on the way home. This is a pattern for most abused women. They get charmed into an emotional attachment, allow abuse in the name of love or loyalty, get hurt and begin to doubt themselves and their worth, then rationalize away the abuse when the charm is turned on again, and finally, insanely, they think they can help the guy understand what he has done and help him change and be happy! We girls can be good natured, loyal and loving idiots regarding this pattern.

Sad to say, she allowed herself to become part of the pattern again, even after this lunch that demonstrated his true and evil character. He'd manipulated this victim into making it seem like she was throwing herself at him when it was him who wouldn't let go. Jeff also fancies himself a writer. He wrote extensively on ethics, morals, politics and religion and has his own website.

In January 2004 he wrote an article that she helped him with. She then introduced him to an online female friend in California who is also involved with similar issues. She helped place his article in a couple more places. She eventually learned that VERY shortly after introducing them, Jeff initiated an online affair with her. She ALSO came from an unhappy marriage and a background of sexual abuse so, once again was an easy target for him. The woman in Cal. stopped talking to her for many weeks, and finally IM'd my friend to ask her a question about him. One thing led to another and after 36 hours of no sleep, here's what came out of that marathon conversation:

Jeff was going to see her in San Francisco to start an actual affair, had planned more trips for the 2 of them and tried to prevent them from communicating. ("if you tell [her] she will ruin our happiness") When this woman and she did talk, they realized Jeff was weaving a tapestry of lies and conceit, the details of which are perplexing, often silly and sometimes painful. It became evident that he was a deeply sick person. Where the lies ended and the truth started, its doubtful even he knew. At this point, it was obvious to her that he was not “into” her. He wouldn't admit she'd introduced them - tried to tell everyone he met the woman in California via his website. Jeff had given the woman in California (whom he barely knew) his business phone, his cell number and a variety of ways to contact him, offered gifts & money in only 5 weeks of knowing this woman.

He did not do these things for the victim, even as a friend knowing she was taking abuse because of him. Yet when she had tried at least 4 times before to discontinue with him with this realization in the 2 years prior that he wasn't INTO HER - he would come back and BOMB her with how much she meant to him and “please don't stop talking to me.“ It was easy to see his sickness and dysfunction; it was harder to get at hers. She was still being reeled in with the obsession he'd seductively planted in her brain that somehow she could help him and that he needed her. He'd told her he wasn't demonstrative and yet here he was telling a woman he barely knew he "LOVED her, never loved his wife", made plans to see her, sent her money, gave her phone numbers and basically chased her like a hungry wolf.

The victim told her friend in California to go ahead and be with him because obviously she couldn't help him after 26 years and she just wanted him to be happy. He never had any intent but to toy with my victim friend and then paint her to be a pathetic old woman. But Jeff shot himself in the foot first.

When this sex/love addict found out the girls had talked, like most players he first spent several days trying to call and smooth it out. He was spinning the facts, times, dates and other things like crazy. He IM'd the woman in California telling her to lay low for a couple weeks or he would get online with the woman in California leaving his available light on so this poor victim could see he was on - but not with her!! Psychological sadist. The woman in California couldn't get a straight answer out of him either. He told her "If you love ME, you will LEAVE me alone." And after telling her he didn't love his wife & hadn't for years "please go away and let my wife heal." Go away? Heal? He meant stop telling my wife the truth!!

Finally when he realized he'd been totally exposed, he only IM'd this victim threatening to tell her ex husband they'd had an actual affair and assured her he was a 'good liar' (she has copies of this and over 100 IMs between them). The woman in California and she made a decision to turn all information over to his wife and rabbi in hopes that they would intervene. This of course, fueled his anger and he lied even more making this victim out to be a stalker. (heh, do they ALL say the same shit when caught?)

He tried to send the victim and her friend in Cal. an "apology" - it was so lame & selfish and it just triggered trauma for both even worse. This victim started doing more digging and found websites (theeroticreview.com , escort-finder.com , utopiaguide.com , jaginfo.net ) where Jeff had been posting LURID reviews of at least 12 call girls he has seen in NYC between 2001 - 2003 using his usual nick "gridney". It simply confirmed that there was a heck of a lot more going on than just a couple bad online affairs. (He's since tried FRANTICALLY to erase them and rewrite history - sorry, internet archives still exist!!)

Some of these hookers he saw PRIOR to contacting her and some during. Now we know where he was getting all those rude & crude sexual ideas from, huh? In one of the first conversations when he moaned about his wife she had asked him if he'd ever been to a hooker. His reply? "Oh NO!!! I would never do THAT!! My wife and I have money and a good lifestyle and if she found out she would take the kids from me. Besides, it’s immoral." (can you hear me laughing?)

It also seems Jeff is registered (has been on some since about 1998) at every "sex partners wanted for discreet relationship" site on the net (eroticy.com, redpersonals.com, etc). He makes no effort to hide that he is married, has kids or even exactly where he lives! This freaked her out because his wife works at home. Any psycho could find his identity (surfing on "gridney" will turn it all up for you) and address in a couple clicks and go there and harm her and/or his kids.

He has had executive jobs with child-related firms (did any of his contracts have MORALS clauses??) and currently works for a family magazine and travels extensively. Jeff once told her he enjoys working in industries that focus around children. Sex addiction is progressive and dangerous and its hard to say how far his has gone. He once sent a photo from Halloween where he dressed as Spiderman, his penis visible through the costume in public. The woman in California has a homemade porn video of himself and pornographic e-cards he sent her. She also turned these over to the FBI—thinking, that the police might want to stop a man like this. Its on file.

This victim finally called the police Computer Crimes division and made a trip to their offices to do the right thing. They took everything from her and thanked her profusely. Jeff's credit card(s) was traced back to 1998 for phone sex, voyeur cams, thousands of online porn sites, and so on. (most done from his home with him locked in his home office - his kids down the hall & his wife downstairs; or his work cellphone so the wife didn't see the numbers dialed) One of his online escort booking agencies was eventually busted and his favorite madam was arrested in a very public trial. This female sociopath plead out to only one charge, but thank God for something. The local Dept of Investigation & the District Attorney's office is involved, as well as the CPS and State Attorney General. His wife has been told everything but has probably been so abused and lied to by him she doesn't know what to believe.

Because this victim hasn't kept his secrets and now has contact with his other targets, Jeff and his wife tried to charge her with harassment! Yet she had cut off contact long ago! By sending copies of everything she now had on the guy to the detective they involved, Jeff and his wife’s bogus harassment accusations stopped. We did find out he convinced his wife (and others) that this victim masterminded everything (LOL) and she planted it all. The wife's staying with him. He tried to tell people the woman in California was harassing him too. HA! Jeff is good at what he does, casting his demons onto others and convincing those in his life that HE is the victim.

Fortunately, the victim saved many of the conversations and IMs with the source codes so she can prove this is false, if need be. And a lot of it is in the hands of the police now as well. Jeff the tormentor also claimed that my friend planted the stuff on the escort review boards, but fortunately he paid with his credit card, internet archives and the ISP information bares her out.

Jeff's been snooping around, months later. He emailed one of HER friends 5 months after it all, probably in an attempt to start another illicit relationship, and has been found going to websites she frequented, doing searches on her name, no direct contact though - the coward.

She is still being treated for PTSD to learn how to overcome the pain and memory of this. She is also dealing with the lifetime of abuse and the knowledge that the ONLY reason Jeff bothered to look her up was to target and abuse her all over again.

Jeff's a sexual addict, an emotional & psychological sadist and an internet vulture preying on women. He now says he's been told not to contact any of them because of the "temptation" and he promised to "break it off." Break off WHAT exactly? LOL How nice - all those years down the drain and this coward can't look this woman in the eye, REALLY acknowledge what he did to her and apologize. Probability he's back online, using a different nickname - doing the same thing? 110%
Anonymous

COMMENT: This story may have been submitted by a now ex-friend of mine without my knowledge. You do NOT have to remove it - but please add my letter as a caution to women or their friends seeking revenge!
I am now a domestic violence advocate and survivor. About 5 years ago, as this story says, I got involved in a very inappropriate relationship with an old friend from college. Of course it was wrong and a very stupid decision in a very dark period of my life. There's was another woman involved and I have not heard from her since a short time after the incident.
The trauma from the ending of this wrongful relationship put me in the hospital, in counseling, in divorce court and in touch with other survivors. One of these people, a French Canadian woman, and I got very close. I had started a blog for abuse support as well as a personal blog for my own interests. I have been disabled with M.S. as a result of a loss of oxygen to my brain for 11 years and a single mother so it was good to keep me in touch with other people as well as do work I had committed to. She offered to help me when I was too ill or busy too keep up with the growing demand of my abuse site so we opened a GoToMeeting Account and no-ip.com.
I received a distrubing call from her two weeks ago while I was in the DC area. She told me she'd been chatting on sites AS ME and had been needling the old friend from college about what happened. to "help me out." Apparently she had some "displaced anger" and felt I wasn't ANGRY ENOUGH at him. I got home Sunday to open my home computer and find that this ex old friend was enraged but her outright harrassment of him and was now posting about me on his blog - thinking that she was me and every poster to his site was me.
He's told his version of the story of what happened between us and if that's what he thinks happened, fine. I told my story to another site, asking they LEAVE OFF all identifying information, almost 2 years ago. Its here - if you scroll to the bottom and read up its all there. http://cyberpaths.blogspot.com/2006_03_01_cyberpaths_archive.html
I didn't go to his parents or CPS. The other women involved did by her own admission: http://cyberpaths.blogspot.com/2006/03/js-target-2-taking-stand-cautionary.html
But now his rage seems to be turned totally on me. The thoughtless rage of other people trying to "stand up for me" in a very stupid way!
This woman who was helping me? Co-op my sign ins after telling me she would "keep things going for me" and as I foolishly trusted and shared information with her - she went around the net posting as me or other nicknames about what a bastard this guy was. It has been sheer hell for his wife and kids and of course she thought NOTHING of my children either. This man is trying to get his life together and there are innocent parties involved. Ye
I spoke to my attorney Monday who tells me other than sending letters to law enforcement and filing a No Contact and Cease & Desist to back up my claim there's not much I can do. I plan to pursue this very very aggressively despite being told I cannot.
While she didn't steal money from me as far as I can tell (I don't have much to take) - she has made me emotionally, physically and spiritually ill. I know I won't be sleeping for a few days. She needlessly tortured the family of this man and put mine at risk. I have cancelled the GoToMeeting and no-ip.com accounts. She may have contacted a paid revenge company called Virtual Justice to do things for her too. I am in the process of reseting every password, contacting every website, contacting everyone I know online and off, canceling accounts, calling my Internet service and hers. I won't be sleeping for a couple days so I will put my being awake to good use.
Should you need to contact "YidwithLid" to verify this or forward this email to him for comment, his blog has his address. He may construe this as some further harrassment on my part but that is yet another price I will pay for engaging in this wrongful relationship.
Thank you for your help in advance. Please post this as an addition to the other story. Perhaps SOMEONE will learn from my stupidity!
Barbara

 

 

 

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