The Nightmare of Abuse- My name is Michelle and I am 40 years old. I live in Belton, Mo and have been here for 6 years after living in New York for 18 years. I have 4 biological children and 3 step children and I am happily married, now.
I was in 2 very abusive marriages. My first husband was physically and mentally abusive to me. He broke my nose, my arm, threw me on the floor, and told me I was nothing but garbage. He told me that I was not even equal to a dog and made me sleep on the floor at night. When I was pregnant with my youngest daughter he pushed me down a flight of stairs. Thank goodness I wasn't hurt or my baby wasn't hurt at all. I never told anyone what was going on. My family tells me now that they knew but they wanted me to say something. I couldn't at all. He threatened me that if I did say something I would never see my children alive again. I believed him.
In June of 1992 I knew I had to leave. He raped me and sodomized me one night at knifepoint and I literally saw my life pass before my eyes in just a matter of minutes. I left on June 10,1992. I called my best friend Isabella and had her go with me to the house to get my belongings and my children. The police officer I called would not let me get my children. He allowed me to get some clothing and that was it.
The night that he raped me I had called my mother in North Carolina and told her what was going on. She was ready to come to New York that very night and take care of business but I talked her out of that. As soon as my ex found me on the phone with her he pulled the phone out of the wall and gave me a black eye. I called her again when I left.
My mother and I devised a plan to get my oldest son out of the house. We told my ex that my sons grandmother was coming out to visit for his birthday and she wanted to take him out to dinner. We went and picked him up, threw him in the car, and my mother drove all night to my sisters house where he would be safe. He stayed there for the summer while I started divorce proceedings.
I contacted my attorney who told me that I could not take my girls out of the state. He said it would be parental kidnapping and I would be arrested. My ex had filed for abandonment charges the day I left and when he was contacted by me about this all he said is "now you know what it's like to lose something you love". When we went to court the judge sided with him since I was the one who left the home. I still don't understand that to this day.
In 1994 I married my 2nd husband against the advise of my best friend. The morning of the wedding she came to me and told me that I shouldn't marry him, that he had hit my oldest son in the head for an unknown reason. I didn't listen to her. We had a child together and I felt that I "owed" it to him to get married. Boy, was I wrong. It was the biggest mistake that I had ever made. My 2nd husband was verbally and mentally abusive to my oldest son and my youngest son. He caused my oldest son to run away from home at one point. I had to come home from work to find him.
Now, my 2nd husband never hit me but he did hit and harm my boys. In July 1999 he hit my youngest in the face so hard that he had a bruise the shape of his hand on his cheek. I called the police and he was arrested for 2nd degree assault to a minor which is a felony charge. The only thing that the judge did is issue a "stay away order" which he violated numerous times. He would constantly call me and harass me at all hours. One night he showed up at the house drunk grabbing for his keys and heading for his gun cabinet. I grabbed his keys and called the police but by the time the police showed up he was gone. I went to stay with friends that night and in the middle of the night he showed up on the front lawn drunk and yelling for me to go home with him which I refused to do.
In July of 2000 I was offered a job in Kansas City with the Federal Government. I jumped at the chance to get out of New York and away from him. I moved out here in August 2000. My ex called and threatened me that he was going to come to Kansas City and take our son back to New York, that he was going to drag me back to New York by my ponytail, and that if he couldn't have me then no one would. He stopped paying child support completely and told me that unless I came back he would not pay at all. I went to court and got an exparte against him which helped somewhat. I told him that until he received treatment for his drinking and his anger that he would not see his son.
I met a very special person in December 2000 here in Kansas City. In December 2001 we were married and I have been extremely happy since. He has 3 wonderful children who I consider my own and he considers my children his. He has NEVER raised a hand to me or to my children and treats us like gold. We have been together for 5 years.
My advise to other women is to get out of an abusive relationship ASAP!!! Your life is more important than his. Tell someone what is going on, don't try to hide it. If you are really sure of him hurting you seriously or killing you start making plans to get out. Start putting money away into a separate checking account or savings account and have the statements sent to a po box that he does not know about, have a bag packed and ready either in your closet or your car, keep an idea of where you would go and make sure you keep copies of any documents that you might need like birth certificates, social security numbers, insurance paperwork, etc... Don't tell anyone where you are going unless it's someone you really truly trust that won't tell him where you are or where you are headed. Keep your cell phone charged and ready to go at all times.
If you can get into counseling do it. Go into group and individual therapy every week. It will teach you self esteem and help you through the rough times. I know that by my going to group counseling it gave me a sounding board so to speak. I found a shoulder to cry on someone to be friends with that really understood what I was going through. And the last thing that I can tell you to do is to make sure that you don't go back....ever. The Nightmare of Abuse
Michelle Tanner
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