Sticks and Stones Feel Better Than Words- My dad, he said the worst things imaginable. I believed for a very long time that I was stupid.
He said I was untrustworthy, dishonest, a cheater, a thief and I would end up in jail. He, then, was the first one to visit me in juvenile hall every weekend, I was only 14. He always talked about all the great and wonderful things he had done for me, and I was so unappreciative by being a bad daughter. He would get drunk and scream at me, 4-6 hours at a time. I GREW-UP IN HELL.
One occasion he pulled out a gun on me, and told me he rather see me 6 feet under, then to let me live in his home again. My Mom never stopped him; she just stood there and watched later when he was done with all his yelling, she would come into my room and tell me how smart and beautiful I was, and that they only wanted the best for me.
It seemed like I was in trouble my entire childhood, whenever I went to my mom and asked her to play with me, she always said she was busy, when I would go and hug her she would say "stop hanging on me." I would ask her if I could help her with laundry or dinner, she would say, with a huge sigh "I can do it quicker myself!" I was completely neglected by my Mother. The only childhood memory I have of my Mother is her, occasionally, putting my hair up in rollers. She would tell me I reflected on her, if I didn’t look nice, it would make her look bad.
They constantly lectured me on my weight, my brother and father ate ice cream and cookies, and hid them from me. Once, I dropped an eyeliner in my dads car, it was in the sun for a while, and a little bit melted on his carpet, he screamed "You always ruin everything, I'll never have anything nice as long as your around." I was crying, "Daddy, I'll buy you a new carpet with my allowance." He yelled, "How Stupid can you be? That’s still my own money."
I can sit here and remember so May similar incidents with my Father. Once I told him I wanted to go to College, He said, I didn’t even know how to spell College. The worst part of my story is that both my parents are educators for Los Angeles Unified School District, well known, and admired by many. Every time I run into one of their students, they go on about how they are the greatest teachers, and they have inspired and affected their lives in a positive way. Witch, only confirmed to me that, it’s was just me, I was a bad seed, a horrible child, no good.
I ran away from home at 12 years old, I had no destination, I remember wondering the street, with my head down, lost. I didn’t care if someone hurt me I was not afraid to die, I got involved with gangsters, and I was devirginized and committing crimes for them. (Just like my Dad said I would) I never finished school. I was in n out of jail until I was 18. I had no Family, and I had no Friends. I called my Dad and begged him to forgive me for being such a bad kid, that I desperately wanted to get my life together, and wanted to be a family. He helped me get a place and a car, and we never talked about the past. Up until now, I have pushed my childhood, deep down, trying to forget about what a bad kid I was. I lied to all my new friends about how great I thought my parents were, telling stories of their accomplishments. I visit them on Holidays, and we never talk. No one says anything; we just talk about my kids.
I fail one relationship after another, within less then a year. I’m 30 years old, divorced with 2 girls, going through post partum depression, with not a single person to support me, because I’ve pushed everyone away. Today, I lashed out at my Daughter, as the words rolled off my tongue, it was him, my Dad, he is still inside me, his anger, his rage, his hate, and it’s inside me. I have become, him, the person I hate the most, the hell he put me through, its here again, and I wont let him ruin my life another day. I commit to getting help. NOW Sticks and Stones Feel Better Than Words
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