Do as I say OR I will rape your daughter- Imagine yourself Submerged in a glass coffin with water resting just under your nose. If you dare to move you will risk drowning so you remain still hoping that by a miracle the water will some how disappear. As time goes by, you become accustomed to this balanced act of keeping yourself barely above the water line, barely breathing. You flinch each time anything or anyone rocks this coffin you have been placed in. The fear of drowning becomes well known, but just as you feel you have mastered the balance, a new challenge arrives. Your child is placed in the same coffin only he or she is placed faced down above you; the only air your child has is the air you will supply to your child. You are the “life support” to your child. Each day brings new panic, you are forced to watch your child suffer and any disobedience from your child or you has to face severe consequences. The master that holds your future is the same monster that placed you in this coffin, as well as your child. Your mind scrambles trying to find ways to escape. Every minute counts because your master has only given you and your child a limited amount of air to breathe. Your master mocks your pain and even finds great amusement to see the desperation in your eyes pleading to be set free. Death would be a warm welcome but the inner parts of your soul fights for the sake of your child. Your master taunts, teases, and pulls the puppet strings to entertain himself. This is hell. Stripped away of your dignity, pride, and self esteem you begin to wonder if a God really does exist.
I lived this hell for 7 years. As the years went by, I would find new ways in trying to escape my abuser (my ex husband). He would find me, or send his friends to find me and had them believing I was mentally sick. Tim (my ex) made sure to isolate me from my friends and my family. I was told to act a part and if I failed not only would I face punishment but my children (from another marriage) would pay even a greater price. I became really good at putting on the fake smile and allowed myself to be a “trophy” wife. Tim’s abuse started out verbally then went on to more severe abuse, I will get to that. Tim had me believing that the world owed him and nothing was ever his fault. He asked me “how can you abandon me?” “I need you”. Since this was my second marriage my pride sore I would stick this marriage thru and “make it work”. The verbal abuse would range from that I was a “whore, cunt, slut, ungrateful, and unworthy.” He would continue to remind me that “no one would ever want me and that I should feel so lucky to be loved by him”.
Tim kept close tabs on me. I was required to call the house when I left for work, call when I got to work, call when I went on break, call when I was headed home. There was not a moment in my day he did not have tabs on. I was a prisoner in a hell that I allowed for him create. I remember cursing myself everyday and hating the fact that I could not find the strength to fight back. I was terrified of the consequences. I never really worried about his abuse towards me, I can live with that, but it was my children I feared would become his target. My children were his power and I did not know how to take that power away.
I tried multiple times leaving even as far as Texas back to my family. I figured he would not leave Florida since his family was here. I was proven wrong. He found me and pursued me begging and pleading for me to give our marriage another try, he claimed I “owed” him that much. His consistency and brainwashing worked. I went back believing we were going to make a fresh new start. Well that is true, we did. This is when his physical abuse started. Oh I must tell you he never hit me. This is a constant fact he brags about, but he managed to throw me around like a sack of potatoes, sit on my chest with his hands wrapped around me throat, shoving, tripping, shooting rubber bands at my me, and other things to let me know “he is boss”.
I felt so stupid and shameful that I went back to Tim that I was embarrassed. I hid my abuse from my family and friends. This wasn’t hard since he really never allowed me to visit or see my family or friends unless it was under his supervision. Another 3 yrs went by and the abuse became a daily routine in my life. I accepted it thinking this is what marriage is about. Tim had me believing that would be unable to survive without him. He managed to convince me to move back to Florida. He felt my family was interfering too much and plotting me against him. Looking back, he was right. I am sure they knew something wasn’t right with me. I used to smile, joke, and be so happy, but then I became withdrawn, panicked, and depressed. I became a stranger to my family.
Once we back to Florida this gave Tim open season abuse towards me. I did attempt to leave Tim again but he managed again to find me. In fact, he stood in the parking lot at my friends apartment screaming “where’s my f**cking wife” “Jennifer, Jennifer, please don’t leave me, I love you”. To keep peace and keep my friends out of this nightmare I lived, I went back. This became a cycle, I leave but he would find me.
Disaster really struck when Tim managed to get custody of his two kids. A daughter 12 and a son 10. This seemed perfect to me. I hoped having his children would make him happy and calm him down. Again, I was proven wrong.
One night in a drunken state (which was often) Tim confessed to me that he thinks he loves his daughter “too much”. At first, I did not pay too much attention to this statement, but then I started noticing odd things. His daughter would always sit on his lap or insist they cuddle. Tim encouraged this and defended these actions when I began to show concern. I was told I was jealous and thinking sh*t I shouldn’t be. I constantly had warning bells going off inside my head, something wasn’t right!!!
I woke up and found Tim and his daughter “making out and witnessed his daughter giving him oral sex” next to me in our bed. I flipped out. I went hysterical. Tim said I was blowing it all out of proportion and I am imaging things. He had me convinced that I had dreamt what I saw!!!! I believed this because I did have 2 glasses of wine so maybe I did dream?
I tried telling a couple of friends about what I had witnessed but no one seemed to listen or care. Tim had gotten to them first and they had believed I was “crazy” and “just making things up” to hurt Tim.
My gut gnawed at me for about a month. I couldn’t shake the feeling that I saw what I knew. I finally confronted him and told him that I would tell authorities if he did not seek help. I felt that I had the power because I had something on him. BUT……
Let the real nightmare begin…………….
Tim’s eyes went black, the veins bulged thru his neck, his face turned red and I could feel the hate radiate from his body. With full rage he lunged toward me, grabbed me by the neck, pinned me up against the wall and squeezed my throat that I was unable to speak. He said “I will guarantee your silence and if you ever decide to cross me or disobey me, I will rape your daughter then move on to your grandmother”. I believed every word he said because if he can molested his daughter why would he even hesitate to rape my daughter? I was unsure how he would “guarantee my silence” until later that evening. I sat in the bedroom watching TV drinking wine. I developed a habit of wine and the occasional drug just to help me cope with what I was living. Tim came into the bed and had called his 12 yr daughter and my 13yr old son into the bed room. The younger children were already asleep in the next room. I was completely unaware of what Tim’s intentions were. He asked the kids if they wanted to play a game. As he spoke the words, Terror came over me!!! I remembered his threat and just sat on the bed paralyzed unsure of what to do.
Tim suggested we play truth or dare. My son and I exchanged looks of concern. I believe my son felt that something wasn’t right. I began to panic but Tim reminded me of our “arrangement”. The dare came to me. Tim said “Jennifer I dare you to kiss your son on his penis.” I sat there stunned shocked and repulsed. This is how he was guarantying my silence, by making me a part of his sick game. Tim just starred at me waiting for my response. A thousand things raced thru my mind, I thought of how to escape, I thought how I could grab my son and go protect my daughter from Tim. I sat there feeling defeated that if I ran Tim would catch up to me or worse my daughter and hurt her and my son. I tried to rationalize that if I did this then he would leave us alone or would it open Pandora’s Box. I must of hesitated too long because then Tim said “ you can take action or I will” I knew that if I did not comply to Tim’s wishes then he would “touch” my son then possibly move on to my daughter. I to choose the lesser of two evils. Either I touch my son or he will. I chose to comply with Tim’s wishes. I figured IF anyone was going to “kiss” or “touch” my son, it would be me. After, I hugged my son and told him to lie down and let’s just go to sleep. My son and I laid there in silence as we heard sexual acts between Tim and his daughter.
The next morning I ordered my children to go to a friend’s house and stay there. I had to figure out what I was gonna do. I felt trapped; I was pushed into something that I never would have done!!!! Tim awoke and ordered my kids back home. Tim reminded me that day and the days to follow that I was a monster just as much as he is and no one would ever believe my story. Tim reminded me that I would have my children taken away and I would be put in prison. The justice has no sympathy for women, we are the care takers!!! EVERY DAY I heard this same speech.
A year went by and I managed to keep my children a safe distance from Tim. A month after the incident I sought therapy, my guilt overwhelmed me. Why couldn’t I have protected my children better? How did I allow this to happen? What kind of person am I? I never got around to telling my therapist what happened, I just skated around the topic but fear kept me silent. I tried multiple times to get my son to therapy but he refused and said he just wanted to forget about it. My son begged me not to tell anyone because then I would be in trouble. I felt different about it; I believed that if I told the authorities then they would help me and my children. They would be able to protect us and put a monster like Tim away from all of us, especially his daughter.
From the strength of God, I told Tim I was divorcing him and moving out. Oddly, he didn’t fight me on it. My son and I moved into our own apartment. Things were going well for a couple of months but one thing nagged at me. How can I leave his daughter in that house knowing she is being molested? What kind of person does that make me? If I left her there, I am a monster too….
One day I went over to Tim’s to collect my remaining mail. I began to plead with him to seek help. He attempted to throw my down a flight of stairs and in the process I grabbed on to his shirt to keep me from falling. I tore his shirt. He screamed at his daughter to call 911. He had told the cops that I was beating on him. The cops took me into custody. I was shocked!! I am 5’7 110lbs and Tim is 5’9 170lbs. I couldn’t believe the cops were taking me in!!! But the torn shirt was evidence enough. At that moment I knew that I would always be under Tim’s control. I never would escape him!!! I decided to tell my story. I ended up getting charged with Sexual Battery to a minor, lewd and lascivious on molestation, and Sexual Molestation. I had a $190,000.00 bond on me. I spent 14days in Jail until my grandmother bonded me out by putting her home and land up for collateral.
I was so destroyed by what happened and what the courts were doing to me. They gave a deaf ear to my situation. They are so eager to label me as a sexual predator. I lost my children. I am prohibited to have any contact with my children.
It has been two years and I am still facing charges and still have not seen or talked to my children. The state attorney is eager to punish me. I have been told that the court does not care about my abuse or what the circumstances were, they are seeking prison. I have also been told that if I were to go to trial the jury will find me guilty and possibly put me in prison longer than if I would plea bargain. I will be put on the sexual predator list. I face prison and probation. I have tried to commit suicide but I was left on this earth for a reason. A reason I am not aware of yet.
During the two years of fighting the court system I have remarried to a man that understands my story, he forgives me, loves me and believes in me. I never knew a relationship could be so beautiful. My new husband doesn’t deserve to go thru this. I struggle everyday if I should vanish and spare him the pain of watching me going to prison. Or do I continue to fight and hope that God will grant me the life I desperately deserve. I often wonder what other women would have done in my situation……. Am I really the monster the court is making me out to appear?
One thing is for sure- Tim has destroyed my life, he has taken my kids always- and has left a horrible emotional scar in my memory and worse he did this to my son.
This is what I do believe- The court is BLIND- and the court does NOT care about circumstances- all they care about is their careers- we are merely the stepping stones to get them where they want to be. I am not a sexual predator!!! I was forced into a desperate situation and to save my children from further harm, I did what I was told. Would I be a monster if I had not complied, and my daughter did get raped? Or my grandmother? What if Tim chose to touch my son far worse than what he ordered me to do? What was I suppose to do? My trial is pending….
Is there Justice?- I believe NOT
Is there compassion?- For me NO
Am I monster? – NO
Fact- I plea bargain or found guilty by trial- I will be placed on the sexual predator list for the rest of my life
Is there a God? - I am still waiting to find out………………… My abuser said- "Do as I say OR I will rape your daughter!!!"
Comment: I hope this woman never gives up the fight. It may be all she has left and at least she'll be able to say she never gave up on herself, her children, or justice. The law has failed women time and time again; we can't expect justice, only hope for it. Often it's not what we get. It was difficult for me to remain impartial - I can't imagine doing to my children what she felt she had to do to her son but then, I have always been deeply disturbed by the story of 'Sophie's Choice'. I just couldn't do it; couldn't make a decision; I thank God sometimes that I've never been tested in this way - I would never be able to face it. I'm not strong enough. Anyway, these are just a few random thoughts. My heart went out to this mother and I wish that society would make domestic violence - whether physical or emotional - into the abomination that it is. Instead, people turn a blind eye, the law doesn't want to know and women are the ones left feel guilty - guilty for being scared to death. So sad. Keep up the fight if you can Jennifer. You're in my thoughts and prayers.
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