My Life as a Survivor
I was born in charleston SC, June 1970, to a alcoholic biker mom. My father was a member of the hells angels biker gang, and my mom was just one of his regular ladys. My mother started being abusive to my father and he left her and us, me and my sister watched her get drunk put us in her car and just lose it, we had one wreck I was six and my mother was so drunk we hit a car head on I hit the dash board and ripped my lip almost off, she was never hurt my sister broke her arm. My mom never allowed us to go to school, she would stay drunk all day, I remember DSS coming to our home and my mother was passed out, I was eating cigarettes, but for some reason they never took us from her, Then my nightmare really began, she met Johnny a exconvic, I went to visit my dad some but nothing ever really developed there. Then my mom had a miscarriage with twins, and then she had my sister rhonda. So then there was me, and my two sisters,Johnny started sexually abusing my older sister, My mind trys to forget alot because I think about the little girl who ran and hid under her bed or between the covers. Johnny would force my older sister to have sex,he would not allow her to have boyfriends, Him and my mom would fight badly, he would hit her in her face, I never understood what my mom did so bad to deserve this, sometimes I would wipe the tears off her face, I wanted everthing to be happy, then johnny started in on me, touching me between my legs and then he would want me to play with him I was seven at the time, Its all a fast nightmare to me, we moved to georgia and the sexual abuse continued, he was saying he wanted to sell me out, But all i knew is I wanted him to die,we would go visit his family in florida and his brothers would try to sexual mess with me, He would make my mother sleep out in the car, my older sister went to the store and she took to long so he put her head through a glass table.My mother tried to leave but he found us, and he took me in the bathroom and had anal sex with me, and mu younger sister was never really messed with sexually but mentally she will always be scared, This abuse went on from 4 til I was 8, I feel so angry and empty inside, well my older sister decided to run to DSS in georgia, and they came knocking wanted to see johnny and my mom the next day, We went downtown me wanting to know what I did,They took us in separate rooms and then some police officers came and took me and my sister out the back, and I cried so much what had they done with my parents, I could hear my mom shouting, I was scared. We went to our first foster home a little trailer with seven girls and our foster parents. It was hell, we all fought each other, and my foster mom would not let us eat nothing but bologna sandwiches, and I had a little kitten and she ran over it and hits backside was protruding out and it was suffering so she told me either you shoot it or drown it, I didnt wont nothing to do with no gun, so she got me a bowl of water and she made me hold that kitten under water til it passed, I was numb I buried my kitten under a big tree in the field. well my foster home got shut down, they found out she was taking the money she was givin for us and not using it for us, My case worker came and got me and she said we have a family that wants you and my younger sister, my older sister was in a girls home, That drive seem like it took forever, then I meet my adoptive parents, Gods angels, We had to go to court and they said that our case was the worst they had on record at that time, I became afraid of everyone, I wouldnt talk, I was afraid to take a bath, But they sent me to talk to someone and they told me if I didnt tell my side in court he wouldnt get much time, I didnt wont to look at him, But i found courage within and He got sentenced and he got killed in prison, But here recently we found out my youngest sister is probably his daughter, My father never wanted nothing to do with her, he knew all along. Well I got adopted when I was thirteen, and I was a hell raising teenager, I was getting drunk at thirteen, and having sex a lot of patners, i got this attitude i didnt owe no one nothing, i got married young had a son at eighteen, started partying really hard and wasnt wanting to be a mother at the time,met some one and moved to NC, never saw my son again, This guy and I had a sexual and abusive relationship, we used alot of drugs, partied, sold drugs,He got real abusive, very controlling I became pregnant we had a son, things never got better I then had another baby boy, by then I found out he was sleeping with all my friends,He even brought one to the hospital when he was born and she was outside waiting on him, well the last straw came when. me and him were buying a house, and we got in one of our big knock out fights, I had my smallist son in my arms, and he grabs me by my throat and starts choking me, I come around with everything I have and punch him in his nose, which by then hes off me, I took my kids and got out, with no family around I went to his mothers, and I moved in the trailer next to hers, big mistake She watched every move I made, and yes He got involved with my neighbor , yes he was seeing her before we split, And I met a guy I started to date, But he started acting real strange, then we started fighting, I ask him to leave and he started to stalk me he even sprayed his car black so he could sit out and watch me at night, he would look through my windows, I begin to wonder why my life was like this would I ever be happy, I knew i didnt like myself how could I like anyone around me, I felt like people were judging me,I felt like I could get no further in life then where I was. Then I met my current husband, I 31 hes 18, we met at work, and things progressed into a relationship, For some reason my mind blocked out the age difference, I felt like a kid again, We started dating in march 2001 and by july I was pregnant, Oh I was feeling that numbness again, I let him know and he shut me out would not talk to me. He decided to go to school in texas, when I had our son he was there, and then I moved in with his grandparents and four others, his gay mom, her girlfriend, it was a nightmare, I started falling deep in depression, here I was with a young man who refuse to grow up, what more could I do to make my life hell, I was fighting for my two boys and then I got pregnant again, I was thrilled when I found out I was having a girl, four boys and at last my baby girl, I knew i wanted to give her everything I never had, good parents a happy family a stable home, but i knew i had to make some real changes, we decide to move to GA, my family would help us get on our feet, But edward couldnt keep a job more than 3 mths, He didnt want me to work, he said a wife is suppose to stay home ,wash cloths, have dinner on the table, things got worst so he decides to go trade in our only car for a truck, and serve me with a order to take my babys back to NC, I fell apart i felt my world crashing around me, I had felled at keeping my babies safe, I wanted to give up, then I knew I could pull myself up and get through this, he had made me feel worthless about myself,And he wasnt going to walk away so easy, well now I went to court and fought him and with my family and friends I got my babies back, he tried to say I was unfit, Its been a long road for me, But I look at my children and know everthing is going to be ok, I have filed for divorce and full custody of the children, and I am trying to get to know me,I have god in my life and sometimes I ask god where were you when that little girl cried out for you, and yes there is a reason behind his plan for each and every one of us, and it makes us stronger and we learn to accept who we are, Sometimes I still have bad days , but i am working at making my life with my children whole again. I am starting my own cleaning business, and have talked to my first son I had at that young age, I dont talk to my real mother no more and my older sister is not doing to well, and my younger sister is doing great. I want people to realize surviving sexual abuse can be a empty place for some I have been there, but theres a rainbow after that storm, you just have to believe!!!!!!
Anonymous, My Life as a Survivor
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