Trust is something we learn as very small babies. We trust the first person that we bond with and it grows from there. Have you ever noticed how cool kids are? They trust every little thing we say. They rarely question us when we tell them something. Believing our every word; and why not? They have not been exposed to mistrust yet, not that they would recognize it at such an early age. Then they get older and come in contact with other children. This is when relationships begin, separate from the familiar family relationships that they have grown to know as "normal". They begin to compare lifestyles with their friends and for some, this is when the first mistrust begins. They find out that it is not normal to be touched by people in their private parts. They find out that it is not normal to be beaten for doing something wrong. They find out that it is not normal to not be fed for a day or even two. They find that it is not normal to watch their dad hit their mom.
They find lies, which gives birth to MISTRUST.
Their lives turn an entire chapter at that point. They grow up somehow suffering through the pain and loneliness of living with mistrust. For some they rise above it and use it as a learning tool. For others they become it; mistrusting everyone and everything. A small number of those people seek help and spend many hours and a great deal of energy trying to conquer it. Then we have our jobs, we trust immediately anyone that has been there longer or that comes off as knowing more than us. We trust our bosses and our co-workers. It is natural to trust as if we were babies all over again. With any new venture we yearn to trust.
When we first fall in love; What is that saying, "Love is Blind"? Ha! Now that's funny, because it really is blind. We trust so instantly and genuinely that we potentially set ourselves up for the biggest fall in our lives.
Why is that? Is it because we are so driven by nature to want to trust someone? Or is trusting someone just a happier, easier, way of life.
Once a trust is breached, it creates a scar that has it's own heart and never goes away. We just learn to ignore its beat. We try to reorganize our minds and put it on the farthest burner we have. Some of us can do just that, while others cannot. For them life is not so easy. They find themselves thinking, should I trust or not? It's like they have to find proof and reason to trust, because their minds already mistrust. This is similar to the term "Guilty until proven innocent". For anyone out there that can relate to that, and I am sure there are many of you that do just that, life is hell.
If, lets say we love someone and they tell us one thing, and we keep getting mixed signals that stir up our mistrust thoughts, where do we go with that? Books tell us, that we are to trust the ones we love and that's it. And then, if our trust gets breached, and only then, can we be accurate with our mistrust. "Blah" I say! Oh and we're also told at the same time to trust our gut feelings.
OK, I admit confusion here.
I know this subject is really going to cut like a knife for some people and I will apologize now, but we have to deal with the reality of our lives. How else are we going to tackle our insecurities and get stronger. Our goal is to have a somewhat happy life. One that we can talk about to our grandchildren. We have to open our eyes and know what is going on in our worlds.
If your relationship has had a breach of trust or if you have experienced mistrust earlier in your lives, then you already have a reason to feel insecure. Now that you know that, you can start to build up on that. Now you need to identify the exact core of it and toss it. Its old news and its over. Start a whole new life as if being born again (for lack of a better phrase).
I hear you already saying, "Easier said than done". I totally agree, but how many times have I said, "Anything worth having , does not come easy"? The answer is MANY. Life is not easy. We have to earn all our happiness. I have noticed, and I am guilty of this myself, that we are waiting for our lives to be happy, as if someone is going to do it for us if we just sit and wait. I have been doing a lot of thinking lately about happiness and if I have realized anything at all, it is that happiness is in you and how you control your thinking and how you deal with and/or allow every little thing affect you.
To Trust or not to Trust, is in our control. If we choose not to trust, we open the door to all sorts of evil demons, such as jealousy, low self-esteem, anxiety, envy, selfishness, self-torture, worry, loneliness and just plain unhappiness. So when we feel that, trust or not trust debate lurking in our minds, choose to not allow your mind to go that direction. Tell yourself, that you are an intelligent person and you know what is right and what is wrong right now. It is now that you are living, not then, in the past.
We cannot control what another person is going to do, but we can choose to trust that they will do what is right until they have proven otherwise.To mistrust is as destructive as not forgiving...it hurts noone but our oneself. It is a cage the we do have the key to if we choose to use it. This key being your choice to trust and/or to forgive!
WE have no problems deciding what to eat or where to vacation and spend our hard earned money. So then why is it so hard for us to just change our train of thought in making the decision to trust? It is what we all have weakness with and that is bad habits and for any of you that have read my HABITS article, then you know what I mean. So go back and read it again and again. I believe that if one really wants to change something, it CAN be changed if only you can...."Let your thoughts determine your goals and your goals determine your destiny" (something like that). We are all destined to be happy. We just have to focus on our goals.
Feeling mistrust definitely has been caused by something in our lives. We may never figure it out and some of us have already figured their reasons out. But for whatever the reason, it is a negative emotion and one we can surely do without. Work on it, then work on more trust and more love. When we can trust, love comes naturally and that always invites happiness. So there you have it! I have given you the steps; it is your responsibility to you to climb them. Again I have shared my thoughts with all of you. I would love to hear your thoughts, on anything I have shared with you here. I take responsibility for my life. I have the power to make things better. I always have a choice.
- words I remind myself everyday
Posted by Anontruster
I have never had trust due to my upbringing however, I refused to let it affect my life after I got married and left home. I told myself I would not live that way the next 20 yrs of my life. Boy does life play funny tricks on you. I married a very loving and trusting man. One that let me do whatever I wanted without answering to anyone, then one day it all ended. He crushed my world and told me he had not been faithful in our marriage. It nearly killed me (Literally) I decided then to never let anyone hurt me again. I did this by not trusting anyone and just plain quit caring. We work on our marriage daily but regaining trust is the hardest part seeing I never had any to start with. He is the one jealous and has no trust now because he's afaid I will do the same to him, not that I might leave. I now see what I put him thru all these years and it's not worth it to be jealous or mistrusting. People will do what and when they want at any given time. I find it better to love and not think about it than dwell on it like he's doing now. If someone is going to do something wrong and loose your trust, just know it's going to come back on them 10 fold. That's my sweet revenge and I never had to do a thing. We talk about it and he see's that it's not worth it either and that it's a long road to travel. We might as well be happy and start over. As they say put yourself in someone else's shoes.
To love is to forgive and never forget! I try this phrase to keep my strength in all the things I've been thru in my life and it is this "EVERYDAY IN EVERYWAY I'M GETTING BETTER AND BETTER". Give your self an affirmation to tell yourself and be positive but trusting. It can be done with your mind set.
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