TOY NO LONGER
Okay, first off, I have been unaware of the depth of jealousy coming from my family. I was in denial about it for years, thinking there must be something wrong with me. It is clear, more than ever, how much of a victim of it they made me. Partly I'm angry at myself for not waking up sooner, being so naive, thinking Moms aren't supposed to be jealous of their daughters. I must be delusional...
There were things that should've been red flags to me, like the way my siblings would call her every 2 minutes when Mom and I were out together. She was theirs and I wasn't allowed to spend time with her.
My mom is a heavier lady and I was a little heavy for awhile, but just recently I lost it all due to religious nights at the gym and an extremely strict diet for months. It nearly killed me, but I deserve the results. I got my girl figure back. She has dieted all her life, but cannot lose hers.
The other night while I was looking in the mirror, the same sibling that calls Mom every 2 minutes when we're out together, starts calling me Blubber Whale and Fat Ass. Mom doesn't discipline, but instead seems amused. I let it go.
Last night I visited Mom again and while I was painting a beautiful picture (I'm an outstanding artist and should be doing it for a living) my other sibling out of nowhere calls me a Whore. Mom doesn't send them away and says half heartedly 'dont call her that' as if it was painful for her to attempt to set him right.
Pretty soon (from the same sibling) I'm an Atheist, a Tyrant, and a Terrorist. Wow, that's news to me. Mom starts smiling and says light heartedly, 'come on, stop it...'
I start bawling hysterically and get up to slap my sibling, but Mom blocks me and I fall to the floor. Seconds later she falls too, on top of me.
I called her later to apologize and they don't accept it. I apologized for being their Pin Cushion because I hate conflict. However, them refusing an apology from someone who didn't do anything wrong started to wake me up.
Mom proceeds to say how 'shook up they are' and how 'everyone's afraid of me' and in the background they are all laughing and playing.
I have come to the painful (but not too shocking) conclusion that my own family (including Mom) was very jealous of me. They were not my sanctuary or my support like other people get from theirs.
I made a promise to myself to rid them all from my life for good. I got a feeling they don't care and if they did, it's just so they can play with my emotions again. They'll have to find a new victim because I have respect for myself starting today.
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