YES...my whole life was a lie!!!!
I don't know exactly how to start this...I'm getting pretty nervous.
But yeah. ok. My life at home I thought was wonderful. I had both parents and 3 older half brothers from my mom's side. My brothers were always in trouble though, so my parents were especially disappointed in them. So with me, I wanted to constantly make my family happy. So I always continued to listen and show respect to my elders.
Well, as I was growing up my mom was always working. She was working like 14 hours every day and plus over time. And since my brothers were all teenagers they were also always up and about. So, the only person left in the house to watch me was my dad. Ever since I can remember he always touched me. My mom even told me that when I was very young every time another male tried to hold me I'd cry hysterically. But, with my dad it was different. Everyday he would touch me. It happened so often I just thought it was normal.
I remember that when I was very young my mom took me to a regular check up. After the doctor was done looking at me, he had us both sit down in his office. He then told my mom that I had an infection on my vagina and that kind of infection is due to rough play. He asked my mom if someone is touching me but she just said, "NO". She didn't know. And she claims to have asked my dad about it and he said he hasn't so she just thought nothing else of it.
One of the earliest things I can remember was when he took me into him and my moms bathroom and pulled out his penis. He just asked me for a massage. He said, "Here put your hand on it like this, don't be afraid". I gave him a weird look but he just laughed and pulled my hands and placed my fingertips around it. He pressed my fingertips against it while moving it in circles. I remember him saying, "see, just a massage" and he smiled. He let go and told me, "here you try it" so I just stood there giving him what I thought as a massage. I was like 5 at the time. He would always make me get naked in front of him and he would always touch me all over and kiss me all over. He would say that he was just massaging me when he'd put his hand down my pants. He'd have me kiss him all over his body and always try and kiss me on my lips. He'd have me suck on his tongue and kiss his neck. He'd always grope me, kiss me, lick me, give me oral, dry hump me and have me give him little hand jobs, like I described before.
I remember this other time when I was about 6 or 7 and he had me go to his room like usual. (well back then it was mine and my parents room since we shared one) but he took off all my clothes. He took off his pants and sat down on the edge of the bed and picked me up and sat me on top of him facing him. He started to feel me all over, then all of a sudden stopped and pulled out his penis. I got really scared because at this moment I thought he was going to try and put it in me. He put his penis touching my vagina and had me jack him off again. He never came though. At the end of every little deed he had done to me he always ran to the bathroom, most likely to finish off...ugh.
But yeah, Soon after that I tried telling my mom that he had raped me since I didn't know the word, "molested". So she took us into their room and asked me if any of my brothers had sex with me. Of course I said no because they have never once touched me. Then she asked me if my dad has ever had sex with me and I said, "kinda" since he never put it inside me, you know? Then she asked me what I meant and I told her that he kisses me and touches me just like if someone were to have sex. She then took me out of the room and had a talk with him.
A couple of days later she picked me up from school and pulled over on the side of the road. Being really nervous I just sat really still. She turned towards me and asked if I wanted to send my dad to jail. And I replied "what?" she repeated her question and I just got silent. She then started saying "oh...well he's your dad you know? He's the one that takes care of you when I'm at work and he buys you all of your clothes and everything. Do you really want to send your dad to jail? You know he is your dad..." and she just kept going on and on. so I just told her no and she said ok.
Another thing that I remember was after he had gotten done giving me oral, he thanked me. He told me, "you're such a great daughter and I thank you, your mom is always gone and it's nice you are doing this for me". I remember as I was growing up I hardly went to the doctors anymore. And when I did my dad made sure that I didn't get a check up in my private area.
So every other week or so he'd have me go to what he called his "office" which was like half of the garage (he built up a wooden wall to divide the garage into two). But he'd have me lay down on his couch. He'd have me get into these weird positions and get a q-tip and some Vaseline and touch me every where in my whole private region with it. Every time I'd say no, he'd always tell me that if I were to go to the doctors they'd hurt me and stick big needles in me. He told me he was just doing me a favor. If I didn't really want it then he could schedule me an appointment right now to have them stick big needles in me. So of course I was terrified and just let him do it. It was so weird with him...there was like no regular dad and daughter time. I mean, even the simplest little hug he would reach down and grope me. I always knew he was going to do something whenever he'd go and close the blinds. ugh.
The last big memory I have about him was when my mom had went to Thailand to go visit our family. She was gone for a week or so. I was in the 8th grade so I was about 13 or so. Well he brought me into his room and again like usual had me take off my clothes. Well he took them off of me, but anyways he did the usual, kiss me all over and what not...ugh...but anyways yeah I remember that he turned me over on my stomach which was different...I guess he took out his penis because he got on top of me and I felt something kinda wet touch my butt cheeks. I gasped and he abruptly got up and went straight to the bathroom. I was so shocked and nervous that I just got all my clothes back on and went to the living room and started watching tv acting as if everything was normal.
After that I had to do a project in school. We had to research a big topic and I picked spousal abuse. During all of the research I came across molestation and incest. I was so shocked...I didn't know what to do. So ever since then I started treating my dad really different. I started to rebel against him and did anything I could to be so rude towards him...just so he wouldn't want to touch me anymore...
During that summer I had my birthday. The day after it I decided to try and tell my mom of everything he had done to me. It hurt me to be so rude towards him since my parents had always told me to show respect. So I told her as much as I could at first. She started crying hysterically and told me she was so sorry and that she puts it on my life and her life and on God himself that she will get me away from him the next day or just as soon as possible. I was so happy that I finally told her...because this is when I had thought that I would get away from him. Well, the next day my mom had come up to me and had said , "well he has no where to go and we don't have any money to go anywhere and I talked to him about it and he said he'll stop". I was so hurt I just yelled at her and went to my room and cried and cried... I remember the next day he came to my room as I was crying and looked at me and asked, "why are you crying?" I looked at him and he wasn't even looking at me. I asked him why he did it this to me. He just looked me straight in the eyes and his exact words were, "I didn't do anything wrong, I just showed you that I loved you", it hurt me so bad...
So I was stuck with my parents for another year or so. I ended up running away a couple of times and until my brothers found out what had happened. They picked me and my boyfriend up and we went and made the report and everything. My parents are now divorced and I live with my brother. It's hard to talk to my mom and be nice because I still have a grudge towards her. My dad got sentenced earlier this year. He got sentenced to 26 and a half years.
I still have memories like anyone would. I have a fear of older men, a strong fear and just ugh, it gives me anxiety and gets me really nervous and sad because of this. I used to cut myself and everything. I was really bad in school and have wasted my first two years of high school. But now I'm just trying to correct my mistakes and live my life.
I'm still kinda stuck in the past...but am making progress. I just hope that any other girl that's reading this that may be going through this will tell a trusted person and get help. I love my dad but he was just using me...and it really hurts to know that this whole time he was just using me. He always told me I was such a great daughter and I was so beautiful. He always isolated me from my brothers and now I figure it's because he didn't want that secret to spill out to them.
Well, I thank you all that have read this and I admire all of those who have gotten through this and have now restarted their lives. I'm on the road to recovery and am almost fully to that point where I believe I will fully be living in the present, not my past.
My life is no longer a lie!!!!
COMMENT:It hurts me deep inside to read you're story,but it also engureges me to hear that you are trying to get over it,i have been through abouse my self ,and it's the same with me (i'm trying to get over it and start living my life,and not my past),i have found the real true man to help me through it even though i thought i will never find him!!! and that is my biggest prayer for you (may the lord contenue to heal you're little heart,may he give you the daily strength,and daily joy and peace,may you see a bright future ,full of all the beatiful things,nice people...)
never give up,never step back my dear,we can make,i know we can.
i would love for you to listen to the song(SOMETHING INSIDE SO STRONG)http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C3uPuiQOn9w.
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