I Have for most of my life been angry and mostly sad. My parents though loving were alcoholics, so attention to the emotional needs of myself and siblings were never developed. I would see other girls with their moms and dads and see that life for them was something I would never experience. So I learned to pretend that things were fine. I developed the ability to fool people into thinking that I was a strong woman, and fiercly independant, when deep inside I was scared most of the time.
My self esteem was so poor that even if a person was telling me a little lie to make me feel better I would derive a certain feeling of wellness. Most times these were people that a healthy woman wouldnt want to be bothered with. I was never promiscuos,and tried always to be perfect. I couldn't stand the thought that someone might feel about me how I felt about me. This kind of acting has taken it's toll on me.
I am now 50 years old and have run out of the energy to be so phony. My husband doesnt really know what to do with me anymore. You see I always did whatever he said, and felt whatever he felt. In essence I never really got to know what my real opions were. So now I would rather deal with people and myself honestly. Did you notice that I put people first. I am still learning.
Sometimes it is so clear to me deep inside that I am holding on to something that is slowly and has been enveloping me in fear and self hatred. I often daydream about lying down in a field all alone and feeling every muscle in my body just forgive what ever it is that has this hold on me. Realistically people could never think the things that I imagine they do. Hell they think I have a great personality attractive and funny. The whole time I'm talking to someone my mind is thinking don't let them feel about me the way I do. I spare people their feelings even when they deliberately hurt mine. God forbid they shouldn't like me. Isn't it hard to hold a conversation about anything and inside be thinking such destructive thoughts about yourself?
To be honest there are a lot of people I deal with that could use a little truth.But lately something is just coming over me. I find the more that I care about what I think about things I like my train of thought. So every day I really listen to what people are saying instead of wondering if they like me or not. I find that some of the people in my life are truly a joy. The others are just people I tolerate to be liked. so recently I finally stood my ground and told a female friend who for the whole time I've known her that she could be pretty nasty when she wanted to be. Her face was so angry and surprised I guess because she had just lost one of her door mats. You know what I thought that I would be tormented like I usually would be at someones disapproval of me. But it didn't happen. I didn't do it spitefully or cruelly I just didn't want her meanness in my life any more.
So what I am learning is that to tolerate any kind of belittling or insults from anyone is the thing that keeps that constant knot in my stomach. How can I worry so much about someone who hurts my feelings deliberately over and over and go home and sleep like a baby? I would sit up for days drilling in my head any off handed remark. So little by little the little knots in my stomach are getting better. You know I dont miss these people at all anymore. I try every day to deal with myself in an honest way. Some people in my life I love dearly. I just didn't have the courage to oust the ones with whom the relationship was one sided.
I am just beginning to feel like a valuable person. I'm not there yet but it sure does feel good to want to feel good.I actually enjoy really listening to some people,without all that inside chatter going on. I will continue to deal with people on the level of which I am dealt with. It feels alot better to sit and smile and enjoy people than to sit and smile and hope they like me no matter what.
Coping with Anger
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