Retrospective-It was beginning to lightly snow outside. We were in for a heavy snowfall according to the weather network. t was a cold and rather bleak day. It was a day for retrospectives. I found myself thinking about the past, present and to some extent the future. Of course it was almost Christmas and that was foremost on my mind.
One of my main thoughts was on my writing and the future of this frustrating career. I have spent the last few years writing poetry, short stories, and trying to get published. I have always loved writing, even as a child. I have been writing for most of my life and it is a passion of mine. The problem is that although my writing is good, it has not supplied me with a steady source of income. I keep writing in the hopes that it will someday soon.
There are other things on my mind as well. My son is maturing and growing into a teenager. It is harder and harder to communicate with him. Last night for example he forgot his boots at school when this major storm was about to hit. Of course I wasn’t too pleased. It turned into an argument and he closed his bedroom door. Then when I tried to calmly approach him again, he totally ignored me. That just made me even more infuriated. I know time cannot stand still and he had to grow up, but it seems like it was just yesterday that he was a little baby.
I think about my relationships, which there were many. I was the kind of girl that fell in love quickly and got hurt the same way. I was in love a few times in my life and definitely wore my heart on my sleeve. I had my heart broken more times than I care to remember. The longest relationship is the one I am in now. I have been with this man for thirteen years now. Sometimes, I am unsure if this relationship will last. It seems that it is just part of the long string of doomed relationships that litter my life. I feel that we are totally different in many aspects. Then you think about the years gone by, and are it really worth throwing away.
I find myself thinking about my own family a lot lately. I have not heard from my mother in over a month. I have tried to reach her twice and left messages, but she has not phoned me back. I have a feeling that something has happened. I am never notified when she ends up in the hospital, which has been more than once. My parents are both alcoholics and I fear that her health is deteriorating. My father and I are not close, in fact I hate him, so his health is not important to me. You probably wonder how I could hate my father? If you knew him, you would understand. He is arrogant, rude, cruel and totally void of love in my eyes. The only time he showed me love was when he was drunk.
I have a picture of my younger sister in my wallet. The last few days, every time I open my wallet, I see her photo. She was such a pretty girl with a good sense of humor and innocence about her. As the years went by, that all changed. She got involved with the wrong people and then introduced to drugs. The drugs and partying took over her life and she lost her son. I tried to reach her, but it was too late. I have not seen my sister in years and have heard that she is a crack addict among other things, which I hope are not true. I miss her and often remember the good times we had together, joking and laughing all the time. I remember the silly little faces she made that would always make me laugh. I hope she finds some peace in her life, and that someday I will see her sober. I hope one day I can see my nephew too.
Now that it is Christmas it is the time that all these things come to mind. I wish sometimes things could be different. I wish my family wasn’t so tormented and fragmented and that we could be normal, but I know that is just a dream on my part. The fact is we all have to lead our lives, good, bad or ugly. We all have our own path to walk. I guess my path has been chosen, just as theirs have been. I can reminisce and keep my memories of those I have lost, and try to live the best life I can now and in the future with my own family. I don’t want my family to ever be fragmented.
Comment: Dear Amber, Your story touched a cord with me. Like you, my family has been torn apart by the cycle of abuse. I attribute my self-esteem issues to the verbal and physical abuse that I survived. My father subjected us all to so much torment and set such a bad example that when we should be clinging to each other we wind up hurting each other. My father did not walk me down the aisle when I got married. When my daughter was born, no family came to the hospital. Sometimes I feel as if I am an adult orphan. My father and his family abandoned us when he divorced my mother. My father has since remarried and has nothing to do with any of us...not that we want him to anyway. Due to the on-going violence of physical and mental abuse I have had to distance myself from my sister and brother and rarely speak to my mother. No one seems willing to do the work that it would take to heal these old wounds. If they died I would be sad, but I can't put MY FAMILY meaning my child and my husband in harm's way by allowing these people to be around us. Please do not feel like you are alone. I am 35 and now realize that these people may have the same blood in their veins but are not necessarily family to me anymore.
Posted by "healing me".
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