Confusion- I don't like introductions, nor am I very good at them, so I'm just going to jump right into it. It started when I was four. My dad's computer was in the front room, and whenever someone came into the room, he would quickly minimize the page he was looking at and yell at me for trying to sneak up on him. I was a toddler. I was curious. One day, I finally snuck up on him-- for a split second I saw the nude girls about my age before he minimized the screen, whipped around, and began yelling at me. I had the rest of the day to turn over what I had seen, and even as a small child, I knew what he was doing was wrong. I gathered up my courage, an I swear to you it was one of the hardest things I have ever done, and confronted him that night. He would go into the garage to smoke a cigarette or talk on the phone (I didn't know it at the time, but he was cheating on my mom). I went into the garage to find him smoking and sitting in his chair, so I managed to say, "Daddy, I'm mad at you. You've been looking at pictures of naked people." My dad is a master of weaving lies and making you believe them. I have been falling for this every time since then. He told me they were cartoons. "Remember," he told me, "the cartoons I showed you one time? With Sylvester and Tweetie?" I told him I didn't, but he kept telling me that's what it was until I gave in and decided that I must have just seen the picture wrong. He ushered me out of the garage and I went back inside to go to bed.
Confusion- Even though I thought it indeed had been the cartoons, I still didn't want him coming in to draw my bath. I would stand there naked, very much aware that he was looking for me. I felt horribly exposed, scared, degraded... I wanted my mom to draw the bath. It was always him.
Confusion- Life went on as usual, with him always yelling at me and belittling me for not being what he wanted me to be, and lavishing me with spankings that often hurt for days. On one memorable occasion, I didn't want him taking away my toys so I went back in my room after he told me to stay out, and he drop-kicked me back out into the hallway. As I sat there crying, I remember him yelling at my mom. It was common for me to be grabbed by my hair, kicked, and hit when I did not obey. I never knew what to expect. Sometimes it was okay for me to creep out of bed and tell him I was scared. Other times he yelled at me and told me to stop being such a baby. He was often out late at night, though, leaving my mother to cope with my panic attacks. I used to see shapes in the darkness and hear voices. I do not know if I was suffering from mental issues or if I had an overactive imagination.
Confusion- My brother was born soon after, and my life as an only child listening to my parents argue was over. Now I had a screaming baby brother who knew how to manipulate my mother even as an infant, and the poor kid just added to my parents' constant fighting. My dad would hit and choke my mom, while my brother would be crying in his crib. I was terrified. Often a time my grandparents had to come and take me and my brother away. My dad was never home and my mom worked, so the job of raising us fell on my grandparents. My grandpa is the sweetest man and I still love him dearly. He is the one who raised me and I have more respect for him than I could ever put into words.
Confusion- My parents finally got a divorce when I was six. My brother was two, and for whatever reason, custody was given to our father. I blamed my mom. My dad was always talking bad about her, so I reasoned it must have been her fault and all the arguing must have been her as well. She moved out into an apartment and I rarely saw her.
Confusion- When I did see her, I was often alone. She too had to get over her scars, but of course I didn't understand. I often wandered the complex, looking for playmates, when I came across an older boy. I do not know his age. He had a deeper voice, and was as tall as my mom (who is quite tall for a woman). I was desperate for friends, and I decided he was my friend.
Confusion- He was cool and all until one day he decided to take me to the pool. No one was there. We went into the bathroom so I could change, and because I needed to pee. He wouldn't leave the ladies' section, and I couldn't hold it anymore, so I went right in front of him. It was horribly embarrassing.
Confusion- From then on, things got worse. He would take me to the pool every day I was with my mom. He would lead me into the bathroom and have me sit in his lap. I did not know the difference between boys and girls yet, but this was soon about to change. I had never encountered a penis before, much less an erect one on a very eager teenager. He took off his shorts the first day and made me sit in his lap. It bothered me, yes, but why I didn't think it was wrong I will never know. Soon he had me taking off my swim suit every time we went. He told me to sit in his lap, but face him. I obeyed. I wouldn't sit down all the way, and when he realized why, he told me "he wanted to stick his thing in my thing". I will never forget those words, and they are forever engraved in my mind. He said this every time I would not go along with it. I would sit on it, but not let him put it in, because I was starting to realize this was wrong.
Confusion- He tried to kiss me constantly. He said, "This is how they kiss in France." I was not so eager to go along with that part, and I thought it felt bad. Every time, I had to sit in his lap. Sometimes we went to the men's room, sometime the women's. We would hide in the men's room and wait for the mother and her daughter to clear out before he would start up again. I remember it hurt me down there... I knew by now this was terribly wrong and that I shouldn't be doing it.
Confusion- One day, I told him to get out. I told him I didn't want him to do this anymore. I wanted to go home. He played confused, until I finally won. I am so proud that I stood up for myself that day. I never saw him again after that.
Confusion- Years went by with the usual treatment from my father, and my mother being elsewhere. I had no self-esteem and was very used to having no privacy and not having an opinion. I had severe ADHD and emotional disabilities that I now wonder if they didn't stem from my early abuse. I was on heavy medication and was quite the beast child. I would bite, kick, scream, and get hauled off to this little white room in the school, where they would lock me up until I stopped crying. I fought them, you know I did. That room terrified me. There were no windows, no vents, just plain white walls about 5 feet by six feet and that heavy wooden door...
Confusion- I really don't remember much of my childhood. I was forced into another school because we moved when my dad got remarried to a woman I hated. I walked in on them having sex once... Somehow it was my fault that they didn't lock the door.
Confusion- Jumping forward to the parts I do remember, they got divorced. I find myself adjusting to high school. My brother is bipolar, the favorite, and violent. My dad forces me into the downstairs bathroom and makes me take off my shirt and bra. He tells me he's looking for zits. He told me it was okay because he is my father. I always fought back but it was no use... he would get mad and threaten to hit me. He wanted me to take off my pants. I wouldn't let him. I fought, but he still managed to look down the waist band.... But I kept telling him no. It wasn't right, I didn't feel safe, hit me all he wanted he was not going there. He managed to get me to take them off once. It never happened again.
Confusion- He would walk in on my while I was in the shower. I know he picked the lock. I had locked that door. He would pick it, and come in and watch me in the shower until I realized he was there.
Confusion- He would keep me disciplined by telling me there were cameras throughout the house and he knew everything I was doing.
Confusion- There was a court battle when he threw me into the stairs and someone called the police.
Confusion- He manipulated me and lied to me. He got mad at me for locking the door and made me clean his bathroom and the rest of the house.
Confusion- My brother tried to kill my mom, her room mate, and myself one night last year. The police were called and we were not allowed to be in the same house as him. I was living with my mom, which was something I had dreamed about since my dad had kicked me out in the middle of the night in February while I wore nothing but a T-Shirt because I had said something he didn't like.
Confusion- That December, he tried to scare me into coming back. He told me he would call the police and have me forced back if I didn't go back willingly. My mom took me to the police first, and they had a word with him. He to this day is refusing to sign the papers and a custody battle is going on.
Confusion- I am told constantly by my boyfriend that I need to turn him in but I don't know... He is my father and I love him despite all this. I do not know what to do. I want to turn him in but I don't want him to know it was me. I don't want to testify against him. I am afraid of him.
Rachel
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