Girl Not Yet a Woman
My name is Lindsey I live in Texas. Well it all started when I was born when I was born my mom was currently getting abused and being thrown across glass tables and I watched all of that from the ripe age of 1 to up to 6 years old then that's when my biological father started abusing me, throwing me down the stairs and falling into ditches. I was a mess I wanted to leave but my mom wouldn't and didn't want to leave she was forced to believe that she was worthless and was scared if she ever got out into the real world everyone would mock her. So we stayed until I was 8 years old and my mom was bleeding across the face and that is when she gave up and left with me and my biological brother.
We moved in with my granddad for a year and that is when it all happened. She met this 'wonderful guy' who 'loved her for all she was worth' 'he loved kids and wouldn't ever harm them' well that's when the sexual abuse started my stepfather kept spending more and more time at the apartment that we rented. About 6 months after he moved in he started sexually abusing me when my mom was at work telling me if I was to keep my mouth shut about it then he would give me something then we moved in with him and he told me the same things while he was abusing me and I saw a tape at school about it. But I told him I was going to tell and he said that if I ever did he would hunt me down and kill me.
I was scared none the less so I ran, I cut, I bled, I cried, I felt every emotion, yet everything but tell. That's when I got scared, not only was my stepfather abusing me but my brother as well. That's when it all happened my mom got involved in prostitution and I was scared. No body knows that I knew but I did. She would sneak out in the middle of the night dressed in god only knows and put herself up for AIDS and HIV and STDS. I was scared but by that time I was about 10 years old and knew I would have to keep my mouth shut to survive. The only way to survive I thought.
Then I found a new and different way out. I cut myself many times engraving 'I hate myself' 'life is only for the weak' 'friends become deadly but family is worse' and I started feeling better so I did it more and more often more and more deep more and more deadly ,cutting veins and muscles and anything that would bleed to show how depressed I was. Finally I got the attention I deserved whether it was negative or positive. Well 2 days later I was sent to Timber lawn mental hospital.
I got shot with needles over 10 times in one day but after that it was smooth sailing it was a vacation, a getaway from the rats, the abuse of every sorts it was my escape from life and I knew it didn't help me at all because I still cut but it was a vacation. I had t.v., room cleaning service, great meals, and friends. Friends who knew what I was going through, friends who knew cutting helped, friends who knew my life and the way I lived for so many years. Friends that respected I was there for a vacation and not for mental help after all I didn't threaten suicide because I really wanted to do it I did it to come back more and more often. I cut myself because in some odd way it showed that no matter what I was in control, I had power, I had the strength it took to hurt yourself to relieve pain and as odd as that sounds it relieved my pain, my worry, my satisfaction was great it took everything I had not to cut on my stomach but for some reason I knew that fatty blob that set me apart from every one else was off limits for I could kill myself that way.
Somehow I oddly didn't want to do that I wanted to release the pain but in some odd way I knew god had created me for a purpose. I was very good with kids and I knew some day I would be a mentor, an angel for someone going through the same thing. And that is how I survived torture, abuse, words of every kind and when I got back from timber lawn my brother had been in juvenile for 3 years (I went to timber lawn off and on for those three years) and he came back to visit. He was known as the perfect child now even though he lied, Stole, cheated and most of all abused me physically.
Now I was a slave of my nature I knew I had to do whatever it took to survive even if that included cleaning a house that would never be clean, cooking, washing dishes that had so much lime scale it was amazing, and last but not least enduring physical abuse from everyone. I would go to school with a purple face but no one asked what was the matter but all they knew was it was fun to call me colorific and and nasty because my parents would never let me shower.
I had one true friend that knew everything and yet she was so sweet that I was her friend from1st grade all the way to the 8th. It was great she would let me talk to her about everything. Anyways I was going to timber lawn more and more frequently and both my parents and I were happy that I, the demon child was gone. I finally got sick of it. Doing all this to avoid them? so I told that my stepfather was sexually abusing me and that's when they left. To this day we have no clue where they are at. They took our littlest of 8 dogs with them and I' m scared for that dog but the rest were given a good home, while I went to two different shelters. Then I figured out that it was either a relative or foster home. And that is when I figured out that my aunt and uncle wanted me. So now I can safely say I am happy except for the occasional talking of parents and me having to say I don't know where mine is.
I hope for my sake she comes home soon and maybe she will. But one thing that scares me is he has the capability to kill her and that is what scares me the most. But someday we will reunite and be happy for that is what I wake up for every day. My mom with the possibility to be the greatest mom ever.
Lindsey, A Girl Not Yet a Woman
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