I spent almost everyday of the summer at the family camp with my cousins. During the other seasons I saw them at least twice a month. I was seven when the abuse started. I had fought with my little brother and made him cry. My seventeen year old cousin had been there for the whole thing. I was deadly afraid of being caught because I hated when my mom yelled at me. My cousin said he would not tell, but he was going to punish me. He brought me into his room and sat on the bed. He pulled me to him and pulled down my pants and underwear. He bent me over his knee and spanked me. My parents had never hit me before, so I wasn't used to this. After he had made my bottom raw he rubbed it saying that he was sorry that he had to do that, but someone had too do it. I could feel the pain for the next few days.
We went back to the camp a few days later. This time we were playing a board game and he told me that I had cheated. He said I had to be punished. He brought me up to his room again and pulled off my pants and panties. He spanked me just as hard as before, but then stuck his finger into me hard and I pulled away, feeling uncomfortable. He left the room and I followed. Over the next few week he kept accusing me of doing something wrong and the spankings continued, but he didn't stick his finger into me again.
Once after a spanking he pulled me close to him and kissed me. I pulled away, but he said we were family and it was okay for him to kiss me. When I refused to kiss back he called me a cunt and slapped me until I kissed back. After we were done kissing he told me that I couldn't tell anyone about this or they would all know I was a bad girl.
The spanking and kissing sessions continued throughout the summer. The last time I would see him during the summer he brought me up into his room again. I was afraid of him spanking me, but he said he wouldn't if I would take off my clothes. I did. He kissed me for awhile and held me close. Then he made me sit on his lap and he felt my boobs. He asked me if I wanted a surprise and I shrugged so he told me to close my eyes. He put my hand under something hard and heavy. I opened my eyes. It was the first time I had ever seen a penis. He started laughing and I put my clothes back on and hurried out of the room. For awhile all we ever did was kiss and he would sometimes feel my boobs. The Christmas when I was eight was the first time it changed. I had hurt my ankle and all of my family wanted to go on a walk by the frozen lake. My cousin volunteered to stay with me. We were watching TV when he pulled me onto his lap. I could feel him getting hard under me and pulled away. He caught me by my hair and lifted me into the air with it. HE called me a bitch and told me we were going to have sex. I scrambled away and limped/ran into a bathroom. I closed the door and tried to lock it but he pushed in before I could. I was crying hysterically as he picked me up and removed my clothes. He told me to wait there while he went to get something. I stood there shivering, exposed, and afraid. He came back in and I saw he had condoms in his hand. I didn't know exactly what they were but I knew what they meant. I started to run again but he caught me and slammed me to the floor. My head bashed against the bath tub and he climbed on top of me. He kissed me and licked my boobs. He stuck his fingers in me but I would not sit still for him to be able to get undressed. He picked me up and carried me into the kitchen. On the way he grabbed a roll of cord. He sat me in the chair and used the cord to tie me to it. He sat on my lap and kissed me and punched me until I would kiss back. He fingered me until he got aroused again. He said he was going to fuck the hell out of me. He pulled off his pants and boxers. That's when we could hear faintly the sound of my baby cousins playing coming up the road. He swore and ripped off the cords and told me to get dressed. I limped as fast as I could to get my clothes, and he followed me once he had his back on. When I was done dressing he pushed me into the wall and said if I ever told anyone this he would rape me then kill me. These attacks continued, but we never went farther. I was scared out of my mind all the time, and I blamed myself. I didn't tell anyone until Seventh Grade. I told my best friends about him but they promised they would never tell. I was so anxious about him finding out I told. I went through half of my thirteenth year without anymore attacks, as I never saw him anymore. Then over the summer we were alone together. He kissed me and I thought that would be as far as it went. He then undressed me and started feeling my whole body. Then he made me look into his eyes and asked me if I had told anyone. I hesitated for a split second and said I hadn't. The heard the hesitation and started swearing and beating me. Then he pulled off my pants and immediately made me give him a hand job to get him hard. He hit me hard and said he was going to rape me now. I begged and cried. Finally he just forced me onto my knees and stood up. He told me to suck. I just sat there at first. Then he slammed my head into him and asked if I'd rather have sex with him. I opened my mouth and he put it in. I sucked until hot cum rushed out of him and into my mouth. I was about to spit it when growled 'swallow it.' I did and I felt myself almost throw up. He then pulled away and kicked me onto the floor. He put his foot on my head and pushed down. I was threatened that I had to tell the people I told that I had been lying. He also said that if I told anyone else he would not give me another chance.
A few months later I told him that I did not care if he killed me, if he every touched me again I would tell everyone I knew. Besides the occasionally butt smack he didn't touch me again. It's now been almost a year since that last event. I hate everything he took from me and the way he made me feel for so long. I haven't told my parents or any adult and I probably never will. I know I shouldn't but I still blame myself for what happened. I cry a lot still and have painful flashbacks and nightmares. I've blocked out most of the things that happened, but when I am doing some random task I will remember something. I just wish I could put this in my past and stop letting it haunt me everyday. I wish I could be normal and not live with this feeling of guilt.
COMMENT: My name is michelle and I am 17. I read your story and it is so heart breaking. I was reading it and tears rolled down my eyes. You need to tell someone about what happend, otherwise your cousin could do it to some one else, and he will if you don't tell what happened.
COMMENT: I admire you for getting the courage to tell your story even if its just to your computer. It is so hard to even think about something like that happening, but you actually wrote about it. I hope someday this cousin of yours is punished for the pain he caused you. You never once deserved that and please try to see that it is not your fault, it is not your fault. Some people are just jerks for lack of a better word, your cousin is one of them. You are a great person and deserve great things. I hope you can overcome this.
COMMENT: I just read this story "tears" With one of my closest friends "Alyssa." We were both shocked by your experience with your cousin. None of this is your fault, and you should never think it is. You did all you could at the time, and no matter how hard the situation was you delt with it the best way you could. Do not let the memorys haunt you, Remember it is not your fault. Take Care.
COMMENT: Never blame yourself, it isn't you fault and sweetie you did nothing wrong. Your a very strong girl, and I wish you could tell a grown up especially your parents, because to tell you the truth, he cannot hurt you more thn he already did...trust me he will get whats coming for him.
COMMENT: Dear Annonymous:
My heart is with you - I mean that! You are much stronger than you give yourself credit for & you are NOT to BLAME for ANY of what happened... Although many will (& likely have) told you this, it doesn't erase the feelings within your soul - nor does it silence the voices that cry out in the night .. I know, my dear, b/c my life has been devastated by the cruel hand of abuse, torture, murder & suicide....Please consider this- the next person that your cousin attacks may not survive.. either b/c he kills her or b/c the girl will kill herself... You couldn't fight back then - he had the "power" which is what prompted this abuse.. It is all about power- & that's why it's so important to Take It Back Now! By speaking out & forcing him to face the ugliness, forcing him to swallow what he deserves, you will be taking the steps necessary to care for YOU- put you first. You are not bad, you are not a bitch, you are not any of those things..You can & will make it... and you can make a difference. Godspeed.
COMMENT: I read Tears and it made me cry, I am so happy that you got the courage to tell him off. And if I had been in that situation I am not sure I would have been as strong as you.
COMMENT: I felt for you in your story, though it may be hard to believe, I feel for you for my own reasons and own experience though my story was in no way this brutal. I don't know when you put this story up, and I dont know if the situation is resolved. But these comments, please take them for comfort, not only that but use it to fuel your strength (not that you have not shown strength already), but the next step is to tell someone of authority about this. I understand that you have a kind heart and may worry for the consequences, for it may cause family issues, but you must remain strong. If you don't do it for yourself, then please do it for all the other girls out there. I know its hard, and I know you may already think that you can live with out this step, this one step further. But please...its a crime dear...I beg you...don't feel guilty...as you would report a murder or another persons rape...do this one little thing for yourself...i wish you all the best...my best wishes and regards... Be Strong, as readers and the rest of the population...we pray for you~~~
COMMENT: I was reading tears and I happened to notive a few inconsitencies in it. If you were only seven then how could he be feeling your boobs? Surely you didn't have boobs by the age of seven. And don't get me wrong Im not calling you a liar, im just saying that its odd that you could hear your cousins playing coming up the road, and he still had time to untie you, and you had time to limp to the bathroom get dressed and he also had time to slam you against a wall ans threaten you without them coming to the house yet. You must have done these things very quickly. But I feel for you, and Im sorry that you had to go through such an ordeal. Im only 13 now, but I know what its like to live hell. Im sorry.
COMMENT: I have read your story, and was touched by it. I have also read all the comments and agree 100% with what all of them have to say. I know its hard to take advice from people who havent been in that situation, but me and some of the other have. You were brave enough to tell many people your story...im not even that brave. You need to tell the authorities about your cousin. You may save many girls innocence and life by putting a stop to your cousin. He may have done this to other family memebers of yours and you dont know it. You need to open up and talk to your family. They will not judge you, or look down upon you in any way. IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT! You just feeling giulty about it isnt gonna stop your cousin, or punish him. Dont just sit there and mope about it; take action and do something about it!
Yes.. there is now a donation button in several spots around the selfesteem forum and the website.
This was not my idea...it actually came from a few of the self-esteem members as they understand the amount of time and monies that it takes to bring all of the information and self-esteem support to these pages for all of you.
The donation is set at its minimum of $1.00.
So ...do feel free to support womensselfesteem.com so that we can continue to support you!
Thank you so much in advance!