Quietly you pull on your sweats, slide into your runners and grab your ipod on your way out the door for you 6 am run. This is your time, your space to just breathe and prepare for the challenges of the day. Up early, just in time to see the sun come up, breathing in the early morning dew, putting your best foot forward as you fall into your cadence at ease.
The park is quiet which is a good thing as you love to sing while you run to challenge your cardio. The trees are so thick and full at this time of year a person could literally stay hidden in them, you think as you run. The birds begin to wake as the sun shows its first peak of light. You close your eyes for a second and feel the warmth of the day on your face and then in that instant, something knocks the wind out of you. You are knocked over from behind, you fall to the ground, you no sooner put your arm down to push yourself up and you feel a pain shoot right through the back of your head.
You must have passed out, as your become conscious and try to regain some level of reality...you realize thatyour body is not your own..it is being abused. This abuse is tearing you apart, the pain and the violation is like nothing you have ever experienced before................
..........You cannot see him...you cannot even move, you have been positioned face down, he is on top of you, his body weight alone is trapping and suffocating. His odor and the taste of his sweat as it rolls down your face is so offensive that you cannot breathe. His sound is of a wild pig digging with its snout into the dirt...he is telling you how much he is enjoying his control...how much he knows you want it rough. You try so very hard to shut his sounds out of your mind...it is a sound, that penetrates and embeds itself deep into your subconscious...one that you will never forget. His hands ...you see his hands as they dig deeper into the ground with every thrashing movement in which he violates your body with. The strange thing is, the harder he thrashes the less pain you begin to feel...what you do feel, is a sense of floating... you feel yourself floating away from your body. You can see yourself standing by a tree in the distance with a look of confusion and fear. As your begin to return to yourself...you feel raindrops beginning to fall on your skin. You do not even know how long you have been laying there or how you got there. You do know that something horrible has taken place. As your body begins to feel itself again...the pain of the violation tells you so. You gather yourself and stumble over to the tree that you have a slight memory of. The rain feels good, as you stand there and let it wash away the dirt that is covering the surface of your body. Every minute that passes brings your thoughts closer to the abuse that was just forced onto your body and mind. Your sense of smell returns and it makes you vomit. Your body begins to tremble as your ability to fight with denial fails you.
Who do I tell?
Do I even tell?
What will they think of me?
They will blame me for running in the park alone?
How can I even begin to describe what just happened?
Did I ask for it?
Why didn't I see him?
Why didn't I fight harder?
You have just experienced every woman's worst nightmare.
Your start to run toward home as your mind tries to formulate some sort of plan. Your thoughts are not settled, they are not even your thoughts anymore. They are the thoughts of a mind that has been severely traumatized and paralyzed. Your inner defense is telling you to shower quickly, yes shower and wash away any trace of that horrible desecration. That will help, you are sure of it. You do not even know how long you were in the shower ....your skin is raw from scrubbing ...you could barely touch the parts of your body that were his focus of violations. Bath...yes...a bath would help ...it will wash my insides out...you soak until the water turns to a chill that you can no longer tolerate. Something was still not right..it was your sense of taste and smell...gargle...yes, that will wash away all of his horrible odors and the taste of his sweat. You gargle and gargle again and again until your smell and taste senses are numb. Still something is not right...sound...you need to hear other sounds than what is screaming in your mind. You turn on your radio and let it play loud....yes the louder the better. You do not want to hear the echoes of his grunts as he pleasured himself through the act of rape. You walk past a mirror and notice how you are dressed ... you need more clothing, different clothing...baggier clothing. You urgently go to your closet and tear apart any clothing that may deem attracting or inviting to a male counterpart. Your empty your underwear drawer and throw away anything that seems inviting. You clean your makeup drawer, you pull down all of the blinds in your bedroom and anywhere else that someone may be able to peek in. Don't want to invite it again... your subconscious mind is trapped by this thought of self-blame. Your self-esteem is unworthy ....you are worthless in your mind. He told you, you were asking for it...he told you you wanted it...he told you that you liked it that way. Why would he say those things if they were untrue. This was your fault.. is all you have managed to identify with to this point. Sleep....that is what I need ...you feel your body beginning to weaken...the incident has taken its toll on your physical energy...but now your mind fears sleep...sleep is where he awaits for you behind that tree.
Your nights are sleepless because you fear the dreams...the dreams that take you back to that nightmare. The nightmare where you find yourself trapped by his heavy weight and the smell... that horrible disgusting odor that fills your mind with a memory of the rape...of the sexual violation.
For all victims of sexual assault, it is imperative that you tell someone. If you have been raped, you must call the police as soon as you can.
If you cannot bring yourself to talk to a police officer, call anyone, a friend, a relative, even a rape hotline. Please do not keep this horrible violation hidden.
DO NOT shower, they must have you exactly as you were left in obtain accurate findings through a medical examination.
Yes, it is in fact, yet another violation that you will have to endure as the officers ask very private and very intricate questions. You will feel dirty, shameful, guilty, sick to your stomach and most of all you will want to forget it ever happened to you.
If you allow your denial to take control...the monster that raped you will win. You will allow him to win because of your fears.
Know this, the act of rape is over. It is done. IT WAS NOT YOUR FAULT. You did NOT ask for it.
Now you must gather yourself and fight back. Fight the shame, the self-blame, the nightmares...fight it all. If you do not get angry and fight back with all of who you are, you will always be a victim of abuse.
I want you to scream out as loud as you can....IT WAS NOT MY FAULT!!!
I cannnot hear you.....again.... IT WAS NOT MY FAULT!!!
If you do not live by these words and use these words as your fighting words... you will never be able to pull yourself up out of that pit of vicitmization. Your self-worth is worth the fight....your self-esteem depends on your ability to fight back.
Understand that your self-blame, self-doubt, shame, guilt and self-loathing all comes from this act of violence that was against you by a man that wanted control and wanted to act out his own issues against you. This man will be judged...he is already marked. You are only responsible for taking care of you and healing your wounds so they do not become infected by even more of this mans venom.
You have control. You were not left dead. His error was that he left you alive. Now fight back. Fight for your life back. Do not allow this monster to take control of your mind and your dreams.
Scream as loud as you can so that other victims can hear your words and feel your power as you turn from victim to victor. Be a victorious survivor of abuse. Rename it, you earned that right.
You cannot go back in time and change what has happened, nor can you control what is to come. But you can teach others about awareness. You can.. through your experience and your will to overcome this act of violence that was done against you, help to strengthen other victims of rape and abuse.
You can teach them that this rape was ...NOT THIER FAULT!!
A rapist cannot be stopped, but a victim most certainly can be healed and can take her innocence back. An innocence that was stolen, you did not give it up freely. It is yours to take back, if you you want to!
Do you want to?
You had better because...~Only you can ~