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Womens Abuse > Hate the Abuser, not the Abused!


Abuse is the most horrible attempt at power that I have ever researched!


This is why:

The shame that is felt by an abused person is so deep that it takes years to unfold, then years to put in a safe place. Some never get that far. They turn to drugs, alcohol, and even eating disorders that tear their physical being apart. Some even repeat the same actions that were done to them with, their spouses or children.

Definition of Shame: "the painful feeling arising from the consciousness of something dishonorable, improper, ridiculous, etc., done by oneself or another." In the issue of abuse, shame is what the victim is left to deal with and live with forever.

An abused person can turn their guilt towards their abuser to free themselves of that horrible feeling, but they are still scarred by shame. They continue to suffer in a torture that is far worse than the actual abuse they have experienced. To feel powerless and unable to stop the abuse, is just the beginning of the after effects of the horrible shock that their mind has had to deal with. To know and to fear that it will occur again and again, and that they are just one step away from crying out for help, but cannot, is another part of the shame that haunts them.


 Most abuse victims do not understand that it is not their physical self that has undergone the abuse. The mental abuse is what hurts so much. It's just a means to an end in the abusers mind. It's a green light, so to speak, for them to enter. The abuser will use that to feel the power that is being seeked through abuse. And also to take away your power, thus leaving you powerless. By making the abused person feel powerless,  their emotional well-being is tortured. That is where the abused needs to start to repair themselves, in their mind. They need to focus on their emotional wounds first and foremost. Only then can the healing process begin.

I really want to stress here that the abuser made sure that you are in a NO WIN situation and that all the aces are in their hand. There is not one thing that you could have said, thought, or done in preparation for this horrible attack. You are NOT at fault. The entire demeaning, emotional attack was way out of your hands to stop. The abuser used a very detailed plan in regards to what steps would get you at exactly the right time and with what method.

Many victims will seek out professional help. Some victims wait until they have already tried many, not so healthy, ways to escape the reality of the abuse period. Some never even get that far. They are the ones that give in to the pain and elect to erase themselves. (suicide).

A very important thing that all abused victims should HEAR me say is that your abuser has put a lot of energy and thought into their plan. Their plan was to delete you of all power and to make them "The All-Powerful". You had NO chance, even before the beginning of your abuse. Have you ever said that you would rather endure physical pain than to have the mental agony eat you apart? That is what an abused victim feels with every breathe they take.


The abuser will use any tricks to corner its prey, such as coercion, weapons, surprise attacks, and an age difference whether it be younger or much older victims. Abusers have even been reported using their power in their job title, or position as landlords. Male abusers may hold financial security over their victims head as a threat in order to keep them from leaving and seeking help outside the home (prison). Men, in general, are more capable of using violence than women. This fact alone places women as an easier target for abuse.


Victims of abuse go through many different emotions through out their existence, after the abuse, and even during. 


They tend to:
- Think only negative thoughts due to their mistrust
- Think with two minds
- Be quick to assume outcomes

- Constantly compare themselves to others and usually put themselves down
- Feel sorrowful for everyone around them

- Continue to nurture a resentment emotion

- Feel the need to always be holding someone responsible for their pain or vice-verse
- Allow low self-esteem to control them, thinking that in some way
if they keep themselves down, they will be forgiven for their guilt. 

The same guilt that comes from the shame of their nightmare.


Shame is a very controlling emotion. It's an emotion that your mind can rid itself of. You must stop judging yourself. Hate the abuser, hate the actions, and  hate the ways that you feel from the horrible experiences that you have survived. Hate that you did not kill that bad person, hate that someone else did not hear your cries for help, hate that you were the chosen victim, hate that you did not wake up and it was all a very bad dream. Hate all that and hate it hard.


Now, separate that hate from the hate that you feel for yourself. Scream at the hate that you feel inside. It is that hate that is keeping you weak. With that weakness, shame, guilt, self doubt, and self-hate are being allowed to toy with your mind which is totally abusing your life now. Can you see what has happened now? You, in fact have become the abuser to you. The one thing that you hate so much is in you now. As quickly as you can say "STOP", do it. Stop abusing you. Stop allowing the past abuse to rule your life. Laugh at it, kick at it, spit at it, call it the worst names you can think of. PLEASE, PLEASE , JUST STOP HURTING YOU. Love you, hug you, know that you are SPECIAL, and that you are not the abuser. You were the victim, the innocent person in a NO WIN situation. You can do it. Have faith in you. It's time to change the chapter in your book and write a much sunnier, happier chapter. You are the author of your book of life. You can change the page. It is in your hands to do.

Build your self-esteem so that you can stomp out your fears, anxieties, and anger.  I will look forward to reading your new book. Please feel free to share with me your story, so I can appreciate your book of  life. There are also others that may gain strength through your book. Abuse is not acceptable, nor is it human. Please stop the abuse!!!



      "Domestic violence causes far more pain than the visible marks of

bruises and scars. It is devastating to be abused by someone that you

love and think loves you in return. It is estimated that approximately

3 million incidents of domestic violence are reported each year in the

United States."

-Dianne Feinstein




"Child abuse casts a shadow the length of a lifetime."

-Herbert Ward





- Your Insight

Posted by Shelter for Abuse Women
Your insights are of great value and your views are accurate. Abused women have scars that live inside of them forever and many of those women will never be healed. Very few abuse cases are reported and most of those do not get the help that they need. Your website and these articles can help those women that we cannot reach. Thank you.


- tears

Posted by Mickey
Oh, my D. You have finally done it. i have been around for what? A month maybe? And you have finally made me cry.
Now I know you, so I tell you before you can think it, do not feel bad. I have discovered that everytime I cry a little over my past, over what has been done to me, over all of us who have had it done, a little of the shame and hurt leaves with the tears and I feel a little better.
So, thank you girl, for making me cry, for releasing a little more of the crap that has built up over the years.

- Thank You!!


Posted by Dorothy
I think I should say thank you both for your comments. Now I will say you are welcome! I hope more than anyone can imagine that my thoughts and visions in all my words will help someone out there to stand up and take charge of their lives. Life only comes around but once, we all the the right to be happy and noone has the right to take that happiness away from us!







- Untitled Comment

Posted by ShrinkingWoman
As women we must take responsibility for the role we play in other women's self esteem. Our entire society is structured to pit us against each other. Our "caveman" brains insist that we compete for the men and hate, even harm, the competition for DNA. I do not suggest we as women are responsible for the violence done to us. I'm suggesting that until we teach our daughters to love themselves we are doomed. Listen in to a group of pre-pubescent girls: "I love your hair! Mine is so ugly." "I hate my nose." and the worst of all "I hate her so much" Now move over to the young boys "I am king of the universe" "Look at my big muscles"

We can only change what we can control. And our behaviours and reactions are about all we can really control. Love your sisters. Do not compete with them. Do not allow the unenlightened to discourage you.

After finally leaving the man that stole my self worth

Posted by "Women's Worth"
After finally leaving the man that stole my self worth, dignity, self esteem and respect, I can only say that I have never felt so much happier in making this decision and I feel as though one thousand pounds have been lifted off my shoulders. I dont have to feel as if I'm "walking on eggshells". I can finally be ME!!! I don't have to worry about laughing like there was no tomorrow or worry about talking on the phone with my friends, or be scared that he's going to scream or belittle me. I finally see the light at the end of the tunnel. I thought I wouldn't be able to live without him but now I see that I can and I will.




<<Return to the Main Abuse Information Page


Dorothy Lafrinere



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