Learning a Life Lesson the Hard Way
No one ever realized what I was going through. My family, friends only knew a small part of what is happening in my life. I always wanted everyone to like him, to see him how I did. (And they, only wanted me to see what they saw in him) I kept hoping for some type of “miracle” that Brian would become the man who was kind and compassionate like when I met him…not the monster that later surfaced. Why I did not dump him before all of this happened to me, I will never know, there were so many red flags, so many warnings of what was to come. I could not bring myself to see him for who he really was. I loved how he treated me at first, no one had ever been so caring, I didn’t have a lot of experience with men and the little bit I did, was basically like the rest of my life, and this story, just not as extreme. I was charmed, completely by this man he was handsome, sexy, caring and showed me attention like no one else ever had...In hindsight, it wasn’t attention, it was the beginning stages of how he was going to control me. It was me hearing, I love you, and I want you to marry me… not hearing the rest of the words… You will be with me forever, no one else… See, it was just a way to get me, let me hear what he thought I wanted to hear, and it worked. I told him I would marry him, and September 29th, 2007 was to be the date. I thought it was so awesome that he didn’t want me to be with anyone else a week after we met, that he loved me so soon… I was so blinded by what I perceived as his love and what I had hoped love was... that I didn’t see the jealousy that early…
There was a mix of good times, love, and hope along with verbal/emotional abuse, manipulation, intimidation, and fear. I actually “taught” him that the behavior was acceptable and enabled it by forgiving him repeatedly. Believing him when he said he would get help, or that he was sorry he would change everything about himself if I would only forgive him. Wow, the tears he let fall for my benefit, to get me to feel sorry for him. Saying I was wrong and couldn’t kick him out that he had nowhere to go, so I did, I allowed it to continue. I enabled his behaviors. He was able to control and hide that side of him with his peers and all of those around him, but for me, who loved him, I was not important enough for him to exercise control, compassion, patience, and kindness. I was the one he could get his demonic side out on without fear of being held accountable for his actions because he always knew I would not do anything; I would always take him back.
I also had the financial burden of paying all the bills and supporting both of us. He never contributed and failed to provide income to support our home. I lied when people would ask if he was helping me because I knew they would tell me to get rid of him. I didn’t want to hear it. Even while he was working, the money he earned was “his” money, not for use at our home because “I have lost enough because of you and your kids; I have earned my right to live here for free.” He feels it is my responsibility to take care of all of the bills, including his cell phone bill and he can take his money, buy cars, drugs, and use the remaining cash he has to fix the piles of junk he is buying.
What he does:
Raises his voice at yelling, continuous ranting and me. He never speaks to me in a decent tone.
Curses at me “bitch, cunt, asshole, fuck you and anything else he can spew out at me while in his rage”
Blames me for our marriage problems (we aren’t married, but he tells everyone I am his wife)
It’s my fault, says I use my psychology on him to drive him crazy, that I use him as a test case for school.
Makes me afraid by his looks, curls his lip at me while gritting his teeth and making fists with his hands like he is just about ready to beat me up again.
Calls me humiliating names, “flabber skin, fat ass, ugly cunt, talks about my private parts in public places, telling people in public places that they never want to see my vagina because it is so ugly, no man will ever want me again.
Yells at me in public places, calling me stupid or humiliating me with one of his nice pet names for me, mentioned above.
Accuses me of having sex with my sons because we have a close relationship “No one is that close with their kids, you must be fucking them” Teases my son about his feet, or other teenage puberty things. Private things, makes fun of him.
Isolates me from my family
Feels he is entitled and demands “respect” and if he feels disrespected, he will make me pay for it
Has taken property (Fuji S5200, digital camera) of mine to the pawn shop, sold it and bought a truck with the money, parked it at my parents until they told him he had to get rid of it they were moving, so he sold it and kept the money instead of replacing my digital camera.
Has in his possession my nomad 2 mp3 player because he caught me recording him beating me up and yelling at me. Said I would never get it back because it would be used against him and that I had made it all up. Even though you can hear everything on the player, including him hitting me, and screaming at me, he still denies his wrong doings. This happened in my front room, on the couch he knocked me down and hit me until I would drop it out of my hand. Haven’t seen it since, but he says he still has it, just wants to find someone else to delete what is on it so I can’t use it against him.
Feels he is entitled to my money, that I do not buy him enough material things (gave me a hug once and said, I love you, will you buy my boots now?) I laughed because of the way it came out of his mouth, almost like it was all one word, I heard no love in his voice and just sat back down on the bed and looked at him. He glared at me and asked what the hell was wrong with me, that I owed him at least that much since I got my taxes back. He never got the boots, and I have heard about the money ever since. How I didn’t spend enough of it on him, that I spent it on my kids and he deserved it more than they did.
Demands me to change to meet his expectations
Knocked me down when I walked in the bedroom holding a scalding cup of hot coffee, burning my arm and neck, and then telling my sons when they heard me crying that I was clumsy and tripped with my coffee. It just happened to burn me, and dump all over the bed and wall where he tossed me. (it was 6 am, I was just coming home from being with friends who had just lost their two year old son, we were up crying all night, my eyes were swollen, he could see I was visibly upset, yet he hit me because it was 6 am and according to him, I must have been out cheating on him with someone)
He called 911 on me once to have me put in the psych ward at Miller Dwan, told the cops that I had tried to kill myself with my medication. He knew about my past depression and used it against me to have me put on a hold for the weekend, so he could come in and “Save the day”, by getting me out. The medicine was accounted for, right down to the very last pill, I had not overdosed, but he had convinced them while I slept in my room, that he was worried. The real reason he did it, was this. He was out all night, it was 3 am when he came home, drunk and wanted to be with someone else over the weekend with me out of the way, so he could use my house to be with her. Broke into my house while I was in the hospital having knee surgery and blamed my son for it. Same day that he got into a bar fight in Curly’s Bar and broke his nose. I believe he was drunk and just broke in knowing I was not coming home any time soon. My kids were staying with my parents, 10 miles away with no way to get to my house to break in.
Choked me while I slept, smothered me with a pillow then denied it, said I was pulling his hair in my sleep and he HAD to get on top of me to stop me.
Tried to push me into the garbage can, said I belonged there because I was nothing more than a piece of trash.
Hit me so hard across the chest knocking me down, it hurt to breath for three days.
Drug me from inside a friends house by my hair, shoved me through the door and over the deck railing so he could proceed to drag me and punch me, pulling me to the truck, yelling about how I would drive it home. He lit this same house on fire as he shoved me to the back door to put my boots on, the garbage can where the fire started was in the kitchen to the right, it was wicker, brown. Had excuses for this too, said he was only trying to help me to the truck and I was fighting him. I was sleeping when he came in, in the living room in a chair with my coat on. This was April 1, 2007 early am. Now he tells everyone he had to come and pull me out of a house full of men, that I had semen in my hair that he was only protecting me that the men there were going to rape me, or already had. He tells my children every time this comes up, that their mother had cum in her hair from sleeping with all 7 men at the party. (I was there with two girls, and the rest were men, however I was not romantically involved, or even interested in anyone else, but Brian. I had even called him to come and get me because I could not drive. (If I was at a man’s house for the purpose of sleeping with him, I surely would not call this man, who I know to be psychotic and completely irrational, to come and pick me up, putting my friend on the phone to give him the street address and directions on how to get there.)
Repeatedly punched me in the head on New Years Eve, because he did not like the place I asked to stop at for a beer. I ran from the car, he threatened to run me over with the car if I did not get back in. So I did, and he started punching me in the back of the head as he held my head down in his lap. I DID show some friends later when I got away from him, they felt the bumps and knew it was from him. He found me and started in on me again. He ended up fighting another female instead of me, and thrown out of the establishment. He was so pissed I didn’t chase after him; he decided to say that I must have set him up to be beat up. In fact, the other girl, had been beaten by him before, knocked out cold and this was the first time she saw him since then, she had heard what happened to me and went after him, she was very intoxicated and didn’t care that he would punch her back. He did.
Drove me out in the woods, in the car away from everything, (Because he was mad at me over visiting my son in the crisis shelter), in the middle of the woods, drove down a grassy trail into the woods off the road, All I could think he was going to do was kill me and bury me there so no one could find me. He took my cell phone, purse and told me to get out of the car. I was scared so I did, and I ran out to the road where a bicycler was riding by and screamed for help, the rider kept going when he saw Brian, heard him say I was crazy, psychotic and bi-polar that he was there to help me, when really he wasn’t. I ran down the road and hid in the ditch when he drove by slowly. During this time, he called my mother and was telling her that I had lost my mind, and was running away from him that I had hopped out of the car and was flipping out, what should he do? He had my parents convinced that I was going crazy and needed help mentally for my supposed, “bi – polar disorder” that I had probably gotten from my real mom who killed herself. I was so scared during this episode, I was sure he was going to bury me. He kept telling me, he was done teaching me lessons I wasn’t willing to learn, that I will learn the hard way.
Brings up past mistakes and incidents to use against me verbally. Any issue I have ever confided to him has come back to haunt me during one of his ranting sessions.
Justifies his behavior, says I drove him to do it, or that I deserve that and worse.
Says I need to learn the difference between being beaten to a pulp, and taking the punishments, I deserved from him for doing whatever I did to piss him off.
Orders me to do things to get him out of trouble. He got a ticket in my Ford Explorer for not having insurance, said it was my responsibility to get him out of the ticket any way that I could. He told me that I needed to go to Bruce Androski,( he owns a car dealership) and tell him I would suck his cock, or have sex with him, that he could do anything he wanted with me, for a copy of one of his insurance cards, so he could prove the truck had insurance. He ordered me to have oral sex, to get him out of a ticket. He asked me everyday for a week before the court date if I had contacted Bruce yet, I kept lying to him saying I had that He didn’t have insurance on his cars. Brian was persistent, kept on and on everyday asking what I was going to do to get him out of the ticket before court, and what would happen to me if I didn’t. He was going to leave me for someone else that would take better care of him and appreciate him more than I was. I ended up making a copy of an insurance card, and replacing the VIN# to match the truck. This worked in court and he got out of the ticket, sparing me for one more day.
Accuses/blames me for problems: not keeping my marriage vows (forsaking all others, we aren’t even married!)
Tells me what to wear, or what I cannot wear. Makeup-clothing-shoes-
Kisses other women on the lips in front of me then calls me a whore, asks me if that is what I want for him to be with someone else, that I have every chance to be a better wife to him or he would just leave with the other woman, because she knew how to treat him better, and she listened to him.
Convinced me that my youngest son was stealing and vandalizing his things, enough for me to send him away to a group home because Brian kept saying I was an unfit parent if I did not correct the problem. I believed my son, but still sent him away because I knew Brian’s abuse of him would not stop, he would hit and threaten him because Alex defended me when Brian beat me up. Brian wanted Alex out of the way, just like he got Nicholas out of the way by having me tell him to move out of the house when he turned 19. Said he could not stay there anymore he was too old and taking advantage of me. (This came shortly after Nicholas and he got into a fistfight in the house, Nicholas defending me, telling me to get rid of him, that he was no good for me. I instead, told Nick he had to leave, that Brian was right.) I did not want Nick to get hurt; I had heard the threats from him about how he would kill Nick if he ever dared to fight him again. He had me so convinced that my kids lied to me about everything, when in fact it was him, they weren’t lying. He played mind games with them, doing things to them like locking them out of house while I was outside and they were trying to come in, he would stand at the door and hold it shut until they knew they were locked out and then unlock it and say he didn’t do it. He would spit on them, hit them and then when they would tell me, he would say things like, they just want to use me to get closer to you so they can get more from you, they are lying to get things from you.
Constantly lies about everything. (Where he is, what he is doing, or whom he spends his time with when gone all night overnight) Even when he is caught red handed, he tries to convince me otherwise, and if that does not work, he gets physical with me.
Constantly accuses me, (daily basis) of having sex with other men. Even when I come straight home from work, he will then say that I left during my workday and must have had sex with someone else. Everyday it is someone new, my boss, my friends, my mom’s boyfriend, his friends, anyone I may have had conversations with that day. I have been warned about going into public places without him being present, to speak to the people that work there if they are men, I cannot go in, I am not allowed. He calls stores to see if I have been there during my lunch break.
Took my car while I was inside the gas station, said I must have been giving the cashier oral sex in the backroom because I was not home when I should have been. He took the car and forced me to get into his car. I was very sick and ended up in the hospital with influenza and pneumonia, needed medicine and now had no car. I ended up walking until I bought my truck in January, this is after he sold my Explorer and kept the money from it, saying I owed it to him for selling it… A finder /seller’s fee. He had 5 drivable cars at the time, and left me walking back and forth to work all winter, to teach me a lesson about coming straight home and not using the car to be with other men.
“I will take everything you have Kelly, you will be homeless and so will your kids”
“You should go kill yourself like your mother did, you belong together, you are crazy like she is”
“I will pay the neighbor boys to beat up your kids” $20
“When the court stuff is over, you will get what’s coming to you and you know what I mean”.
“I am calling your Dr. and telling him you are abusing your RX so you cannot get them anymore”
“I am calling your, housing, your son’s Probation Officer, and telling them lies so you loose everything you took away from me”
“Someday you will learn your lesson”
“I would like to put a bullet in your dogs’ head, you pay more attention to him than you do me, you must be fucking the dog too or your kids are”
“I feel like putting my fists into your skull”
“I hate you, I wish you were dead”
“You are an unfit mother because you are so childish”
“You haven’t been a wife to me” (again, we are not married)
“You choose your family over me” “You never put me first”
“You never look at me when I talk to you, I deserve respect, you should stop what you are doing and look at me” (I learned to hang my head down in fear and shame of what he was saying to me, I knew if I looked at him the wrong way it would set him off and he would crack me one)
“It’s your fault we fight”
“I react this way because of what you did”
“You’re taking their side and not mine; you never stick up for me or stand by me when I punish your kids”
“ I am so mad at you right now, I want to split you in half” Demands to be respected
“Why am I busting my ass on this fucking house and my name is not even on the lease?”
“I’ll kill anyone who gets in my way”
“I will kill anyone who fucks with me, go ahead send your kid after me, I will fuck him up too and you will never see him again”.
I deserve better than this in my life, and have started over once again. I have left Brian, as hard as it has been, yes HARD… I have no idea why I still have feelings for him, I honestly do not, But I do know I will never wake up again next to him and wonder if he is going to kill me soon, and if I need to say goodbye to my kids before I leave. On a daily basis, the thought crosses my mind, when it’s going to happen, where, and how… not ever… if. Over the last couple of weeks, I have felt it coming, I know it’s near and I want people to know what really happened between us. My kids know, they saw it all too often, but no one else does because of my own embarrassment that I allowed it to happen so in a sense, I did deserve it by taking him back even though I knew he wasn’t changing. I felt a responsibility to live with my own actions no matter what the outcome; I had taken him back so for that I had to accept what he gave… Abuse, not love, like he calls it. Accepting responsibility for my own actions of taking him back when I knew better.
Since I left him last week this is what has happened:
He has been watching my house from down the street. 7-17-07 Comes to my home while I am gone, parking in the Alley, was seen knocking at my back door at 6:55 pm knowing I would not be home, I was gone to the funeral for my friends son.
7-17-07 9 pm Met me on the road, said, “Take me home and fuck me whore, or I am getting laid elsewhere. I am lonely and need sex.” I said no, and he got really pissed. He had been drinking all day, I could smell him from inside my truck and when I asked him about it, he lied. He continued to hold me at the end of our street, I did not want him to come closer to my home as I felt it might create a public scene for my neighbors to watch and didn’t need them calling housing on me, so I sat in my truck and remained calm until he got mad enough to speed off, only to come back and yell at me some more when I parked in front of the house. Called me names, whore, slut, said I had one more chance to change my mind about having sex with him, I refused and he sped off again. I ended up walking into the house finally at 1045 pm. ( my kids were there, both of them saw him with me at the end of the block and were scared for my safety.) My neighbors noticed too but thought we were just talking.
07/17/07 12pm I left the house to go call Nick, at Holiday, half way down the hill I saw him behind me. Instead of stopping at Holiday to use the phone I kept driving, figuring he was just going to yell at me. I kept driving, he stayed close behind me trying to cut me off as I slowed for intersections. I started getting scared and decided to try and loose him, this wasn’t working so I just kept driving all over town, honking my horn, flashing my lights to draw attention to myself. This wasn’t working either, so I thought I would try to get to the Superior PD because they were easier to get to, the lighting was better and I could just drive right up in the lawn if I had too. I was so scared I did not know what else to do, he kept trying to run me off the road over the bridge, into the guardrail. Him to the left of me, guardrail to the right, and a semi truck behind me, I had nowhere to go as he inched over. I freaked out and saw an oncoming ramp to my right, (the Garfield on ramp) slammed on my brakes and turned sharp down the one way, the semi truck just missing me, slammed up against the railing and hit the gas heading down the wrong way on a one way ramp until I could get off and circle around. I had lost him for now, drove back to Holiday and called my son and have him come to the house, he couldn’t get there, so he sent his friends to see if I was ok.
7/18/07 picked up the paperwork for a restraining order on my way to work, and when I got here this morning, he called my work 3 times, I hung up the first time when I heard his voice, second time 30 seconds later, I said stop calling me, I do not want to see you or talk to you ever again, hung up and he called back.. The third call to me he said, “Kelly! I am glad you are alive, game on!”. I turned and told my boss after I hung up she said she would answer the phone from then on. He called back, she advised him to stop calling here, after that he did not call again.
07/18/07 5:15 pm When I got home, I noticed my front door was open, TV was on super loud and the house was empty. I went to my room to change, unlocked my padlock only to find my room had been broken into, my airconditioner was gone from the window, my telephone was broken on my dresser as well as my phone and laptop. Copies of these pages were placed across the top of my dresser. I left and called 911 at spur, reported it to Officer Diver. There are two keys to the padlock on my door, one I have and one Brian took when he installed the lock. I locked it before I left. My neighbor saw Brian there at 11 am, taking things out of the house and told me she thought there was something strange going on so she watched him out her front window. She told me that as he sat in the car in the front of the house, he had a strange smirk on his face and started nodding his head, he saw her in the window and she jumped back said she had never been so creeped out from his actions. She also advised me that my neighbor on the other side had been carrying a handgun due to a confrontation he had with Brian a few months back where Brian had threatened him. I was unaware of this.
07/19/07 My boss Sue, called in the office today, she was the one that spoke to Brian yesterday and told me she had remembered a phone call from a few weeks ago where Brian had called her and asked her if I had been bringing other men into the office or if I was seeing anyone else. She told him no. This was around the same time I had asked him not to come to my work anymore because I was feeling uncomfortable with him showing up here all the time and just hanging out. My restraining order was signed today, however the only way he will be served is when we go to court next Monday, the day he goes before the judge for sentencing for the April 1st incident at my friends house, where he pulled me out of the house. The charges were amended to Disorderly Conduct because I would not press charges that night, I was too scared to say anything and felt there were enough witness’ Boy was I wrong, I should have spoke up immediately.
Well, I made it through the rest of the week, made it past the court hearing and finally feeling a little more at ease. He was served the restraining order before the hearing began. My heart was pounding so hard when I saw him, fear, worry, anxiety. I look at him and wonder what I saw; he looked so different in court. He came in wearing glasses, spoke in a soft tone and pretended not to be himself. He refused probation, requested the judge just give him a fine and let him leave town. He said he wanted to leave to move to Las Vegas, I know he wont and it was just a way to get the least amount of punishment possible. He received 20 days in jail, not to start until August 14, 2007. I am not sure how I feel about this, or what will happen until that time. He still has charges in MN to face for breaking and entering my home, and the bridge incident where he tried to drive me off the bridge. I can only hope God will step in and give him the punishment he deserves. I am trying to move on with my life and find myself thinking about him on a daily basis, confused about feelings and wondering why I miss him, or the good part of him. I want it all to go away so I can start over with my life. The kids are glad he is gone, they worry I will bring him back, that will never happen, I cannot live that life again, there were too many times I didn’t know if I was going to die or not, I wont live like that again. Not for anyone. I hope my story can give someone else the courage to stop the abuse, no matter what you think the consequences will be, things have a way of turning out fine.. Just remember this quote..“When God closes a door, he is sure to open a window.”
Author- Sincerely, Kelly K- Duluth, MN
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