Is It Me or Is It Him?
Is It Me or Is It Him?- I think it's me because I remember feelings of insecurity, hurt and jealousy since I first felt attraction to the opposite sex - like in elementary school! The feeling then was mild - "oh - David likes Cindy better than me. But maybe Timmy likes me best!" In Junior High, the feelings started to make my stomach uncomfortable. "Geez, why doesn't he look at me? He walked me home yesterday, now he won't even glance at me. It hurts so much. What can I do???"
BUT there WAS Bobby in Junior High. Bobby was great fun! He was my friend - my first REAL kiss. I never felt threatened by anything he did or said - or didn't do or didn't say. I just loved him. He is still my friend to this day although he lives 10 hours away and is married.
In High School and college there was Blake. I hated any girl that spoke to him. I could keep my mouth shut back then, but oh my stomach hurt so much and my throat constricted if he didn't answer the phone, or if I saw a girl talking to him. Why was everything ok with Bobby but so scary with BLake? I was with Blake for 7 years.
Then I dated lots of guys and pretty much just let myself get used. No feelings - but I think maybe I convinced myself there were no feelings. I don't know. I married Kevin. He was REALLY jealous, but not violently so. He just made it pretty clear that he didn't like me having anything to do with other guys. I thought it was because he loved me so much! Until I found out that he THRIVED on attention from other girls.
After 2 children and 11 years of tears and fears and screaming/begging/threatening for his attention, and looking for someone to let me know he loved me, Kevin left and I married Harry on the rebound. It was great not to have to spy on my mate, or listen in on his phone calls, or drive around following him. Harry - the perfect, unassuming, honest, gentle, laid back, husband. I felt jealousy over him only ONE TIME in 16 years of marriage.
So maybe its HIM - Harry NEVER upset me. We NEVER argued. It was surreal. I thought I would be content and happy the rest of my life! I had a new baby and a church and a good job and a nice little house - I had it made! But after 6 years of contented marriage with this unbelievable man, I met Matthew at work. Matthew was the antithesis of Harry. He despised children, he disliked people in general, he was high strung, he was depressed alot, very negative, and he loved me like no other man has ever loved me in my life. He divorced his wife and assumed I would do the same with my husband.
I wanted to in the worst way - I could think of nothing but Matthew. We were like powerful magnets being forcibly held apart. But I couldn't leave my children. I thought he would wait for me...and he did.
It's been 10 years. But things are not the same. I'm ready to be with him now, but he says he's been living alone for so long that he doesn't know if he can live full time with anyone. I spend weekends with him and ask my husband for a divorce once a week. I am miserable, unhappy, and jealous of any female with whom he has contact. Jealousy is something he openly despises and rather than help me to believe there is no reason to be jealous, he rejects me for my feelings.
I hurt all the time. My stomach is always churning. I call him every night and if I don't he thinks I am manipulating his feelings - but he won't call me except on rare occasions. I just want a normal life. I want to be married to the man I love, but I want the man I love to love me back. Maybe I don't love anyone. Maybe I shouldn't love anyone. All I know is I can't stand this sickening feeling.
I don't like to keep my mouth shut because it hurts too much - but I don't think I should hurt to the point that I need to scream! I want to be with someone when I'm old and gray and walk around holding hands, knowing that he thinks my old gray head is the most beautiful thing in his life. Is that so much to ask? Is It Me or Is It Him?
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